Everyone is looking for the promise of satisfying relationships, the strength to resolve relationship challenges, the energy to bring innovation and creativity into relationships, and the accountability to achieve the above. This is that place for helping good relationships to get even better. Here, you will find practical solutions to your daily relationship challenges--both in your business and personal life. Also visit and join Ed's Relationship Glue Group at Facebook.
With Christmas upon us, give those you love the gift of appreciation—appreciation for the thought behind their gift giving rather than for the substance of their gift. Call it the fine art of gift acceptance; showing appreciation regardless of the gift. Showing appreciation for their effort is the important thing.
The holidays are a stressful time for many; trying to be the perfect mother, father, husband, wife, daughter, son, etc. can truly drive anyone crazy. Add to that the stress on parents to make this “the most wonderful Christmas” for their kids. And, add to that the current economic climate—is this starting to sound like a formula for disaster? And you wonder why people have such short tempers during the season of giving.
This Christmas, be determined to offer a sincere thank you to every person in your life that cares enough about you to present you with a gift—even if you already have ten just like it. Also, drop the “oh it’s too expensive,” just offer a genuine smile and a heart felt thank you. The gift giver will so appreciative and will be empowered to feel much better about their gift decision.
Do this and your loved ones will love and appreciate you more. Do this and you’ll eliminate one of the most frequent causes of conflict during the holidays. Do this and you’ll be so, so, so glad you did.
I wish you a very Merry Christmas and please, let Christmas 2009 be memorable for all the right reasons.
During the traditional Christian holiday season; Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year—there are some honest relationship challenges. Let’s start with the relative from Hell, you know who I talking about. You would rather crawl on your hands and knees over 5 miles of broken glass than to see them yet another holiday. And to make the situation even more excruciating, this relative from Hell is an in-law. Dealing with the Relative from Hell In this dynamic you have two competing goals; first you want to respect your sweetie and in turn show respect for his/her relatives. Second, you want to maintain your sanity throughout the holiday season. I believe both are possible by slightly shifting your view of this nasty relative. Big problem folks generally are very small persons inside. You really do already know that this, pain in the rear, relative truly does have huge self-esteem issues so that knowledge should make it just a bit easier for you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.”
I realize that sometimes just being in the same room as this person makes you want to puke, however for the sake of your sweetie, your family, and yourself; shift your view. Two tactics that will help you survive the encounter; consume less alcohol and ask plenty of questions. You might be thinking, come on Ed, I need a bottle of “Jack” just to be in the same room with this person. No you do not; what you need is to moderate your alcohol consumption so you can “control” the situation.
You control the evening by either sitting in the corner with an honest and joyous smile—controlling your emotion or you “control” the other person with questions. Keep them talking, show a modicum of interest and internally enjoy the folly of their idiocy; but keep the enjoyment to yourself. Additionally, since you have made reasonable relationship deposits with this relative from Hell, when their idiocy just becomes intolerable, send them on a different course with an intelligent (and appearing honest) question. Pre-plan these questions before the visit and you’ll be ready. Taking this approach will truly help you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.” Spouse Holiday Expectations Trust me on this one; if you have never asked your honey about his/her holiday traditions and current expectations—you have got a problem. Too frequently each member of a “couple” will think they are doing what the other wants but in reality they are not. This dynamic just breeds contempt.
You will have honest issues such as which relatives do we visit when. This is an area where both have to be flexible and tolerant toward the needs of the other. Talk about your plans sincerely and each partner must be both honest in your expectations and tolerant of the needs of your partner. Do this and there will be a happy middle ground. Enjoy the Holidays Why do you run yourself ragged in an effort to create the “Martha Stewart” holiday experience? This kind of holiday experience only focuses on the external. While there is nothing wrong with having a festive holiday environment; it should be more about the relationships than the trimmings.
Give of yourself; this can be even more seductive than the giving of bobbles and brands. Save some money and running around this holiday by giving your special someone a coupon book filled with acts of personal kindness. Be creative and seductive—you will be amazed with the response you receive from your honey.
During holiday gatherings be “mentally and emotionally present” and enjoy the fellowship of your family and friends—even the relative from Hell. Yes, there will be traffic and people driving that must have purchased their driver’s license from the Internet. However, all of that “stuff” is simply the “dust in the conduit” of getting from where you are to where you want to be.
Just in case you are wondering about me—I am blessed with fabulous parents-in-law—I look forward to their visits. And since my wife emigrated with her parents from Austria when she was young, none of her other relatives live here in America. Now, talking about some of my relatives; that’s another story.
If your romantic relationship is based solely on sex, it can be guaranteed that it will not survive the long-term. If your romantic relationship is sex-less, it also will not survive. There has to be a middle ground!
How you perceive your partner has a lot to do with the amount of sex there will be in a relationship. What I mean to say is this—there is a very fine line between love and hate. Add to that, the fact that there is a massive valley between either love or hate and apathy, things can get quite confusing.
With love there is sex, and with hate there is not; and unfortunately, this could easily depend upon how the day’s conversations end. With apathy on the other hand, there generally is very little sex, if any. There is generally nothing.
Which Emotion Should You Fear Most?
I believe that apathy is the emotion that you should fear most. With apathy, your partner really doesn’t give a rat’s behind about you, your feelings, or your needs. While you might get a sympathy boink once in a while, it will be rare.
Apathy can be caused by a number of things but I believe the most frequent cause is a partner just giving up and giving in. Passive aggressive has a meaning here. They give in but exert their power by withholding that which you need, want, and desire—intimacy. This is where you’ll generally find your sex-based relationship a few years down the road.
Love and Hate
Both love and hate are very strong emotions, with the line between frequently blurred. The emotion of hate will more often than not emanate from love gone wrong or neglected. Love neglected for an extended period of time creates a negative perspective and will eventually morph from hate into apathy. In order to keep the love emotion alive and healthy, that emotion needs to be continually fed. Any living organism will eventually die without nourishment—and so goes the living emotion of love.
If you live for too long exclusively on the questionably valuable nourishment of fast food restaurants you will eventually become obese or have health problems—that is an undeniable fact! So goes the nourishment of the love emotion—take your relationship for granted too long and it will surely experience health problems.
Nourishing the Love Emotion
In order to nourish the love emotion within your partner you will need to fulfill their need for intimacy; and that does not exclusively mean sex. Intimacy needs can manifest in a number of forms beyond sex—openness, respect, and tolerance just to mention a few. The challenge is to learn what the true needs of your partner are and to work to fulfill their needs in the way they need them fulfilled. Men have a tendency to fall down in the areas of openness and respect; while women frequently have the challenge of tolerance.
In an honest attempt to fulfill the love nourishment needs of your partner, the simplest mechanism to use is just to ask. Now I know this can be difficult as various pathologies and old mental tapes can get in the way of equally honest responses, however it is the place to start. Conversely, if a partner is not getting what they need from their relationship, they are equally accountable to verbally request that their needs be fulfilled.
Asking for What You Want
How in the world do you expect to get what you want from your partner or others for that matter, if you don’t ask? There is an art to asking for what you want. One way to do it is to be straight forward—sometimes yielding less than desirable results. However if you can directly ask in a sincere manner, you have a better chance for success.
Hinting is not asking—I repeat, HINTING IS NOT ASKING. Period!
Asking in a way that your partner sees a benefit to themselves could be considered by some as a bit Machiavellian, however I consider it just good sense. Think about it—if you can help your partner to get what they want; doesn’t it stand to reason that they will be more likely to help you to get what you want? Sure, there are a number of issues that can become road blocks here (some discussed above) but the simplest common denominator is that we all want to be loved and respected by our partner. If you do not ask well, you will not get. If you do not get what you need in your relationship, you will eventually fall into hate, and then at some point into apathy.
The middle ground is a place where both partners are regularly exhibiting love and respect for one another and working hard to help their partner get what they need from the relationship, keeping in mind that they too, need to receive.
If you have been in a relationship for any length of time, I'm talking to you. Tell me the truth, do you let the small stuff, your partner's imperfections, get to you? I cannot tell you how many times I have been guilty of this--yes, I admit it. Interestingly, if you let this happen, your sweetie will never be able to meet YOUR expectations.
Try this over the weekend: You do want to reduce conflict at home don't you? If so, every time you catch yourself starting to feel even the slightest amount of anger toward your partner because of some stupid little thing they did, or did not do, or said, or did not say--think back to when you first got together. There was something about that person's behavior that grabbed at your heart. I bet you, those behaviors were part of why you fell in love with your partner, or at the least were attracted to them.
Go back in time: In your head, see, hear, and feel what it was about this person that you so appreciated. Connect to that vision, sound, or feeling. Do this and the small stuff will become inconsequential. When the small irritations are no longer irritations, piece and calm can come over the household--opening the door to renewed passion and excitement.
Have some fun: Yes, we get so wrapped up in our daily routine that we forget to go out for an evening of frivolity, romance, or whatever floats your boats. If you do not break the cycle, boredom is sure to follow. And the cycle starts again, all the little things will again drive you crazy! Happy loving...enjoy your partner this weekend.-Ed Rigsbee
Has this ever happened? A friend compliments you on your clothing and you say, This old thing? Rather than accept the compliment, you diminish your friend's attempt to show they care and offer you future compliments. Even if the outfit is in fact old, you could just as easily have said, Thanks, it is quite old but one of my favorites. The result? The other person would be able to feel good about what they said, as well as you would have. What's Wrong With Accepting a Compliment? In my opinion, one should always graciously accept a compliment form another. Gosh, why not? When you refuse to accept compliments, you are really telling others they are WRONG and INSIGNIFICANT--bummer! People that (now don't get mad) refuse to accept compliments generally suffer from low self-esteem. Okay, so I said it. The important idea here is this: if you allow yourself to play in a place of low self-esteem, how great of a romantic partner will you be?
Take the Compliment and Smile Show that person, that matters to you, that you are worthy of a serious relationship by gladly accepting their compliments--and not trying to read needless chatter into those compliments. Accepting compliments will also help a person to grow emotionally. For many, accepting compliments is not easy--I'll give you that. However, it is time to leave your place of comfort and grow. Stretch yourself by accepting all complements with a smile and a simple, Thank you. Do this and everyone around you will be happier.
My wife, Regina, and I just returned from Boston where we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary and spent several days playing tourist. For our 30th, I surprised her with a trip to Honolulu, of which she had no knowledge until I told her the day before we left. This time I asked her where she wanted to go and she selected Boston.
Now that our sons are grown, we tend to do most of our traveling around my speaking engagements but this trip was different—no agenda, no worrying about clients—just enjoying the role of being tourists. We really did have a wonderful time with one another, walking ourselves to death in Boston and its environs.
While we have had our rocky times, which are truly unavoidable, we still like each other and enjoy each other’s company. Long-term relationships are about give and take, about helping the other to grow, and about recognizing that the other will never be perfect—God knows—I’ve written before about my own control freak tendencies.
Ultimately, in building a fulfilling long-term relationship, each participant has to be willing to receive, give, and help the other to improve—I didn’t say shove improvement down their throat. Rather, each has to be there for the other, especially in your partner’s time of weakness or vulnerability to extend a helping hand. It is rare that both will grow at the same pace, so the “more growth” partner must understand and accept their role until the tide has turned—and it will.
The important question is this; In addition to being lovers, are you also friends?
Are You Oblivious to the Clues? One of my favorite cartoons says it all. Visualize the husband, with kind of a duh look on his face coming home, as he opens the door to enter--a spear slams into the door. The caption reads, "While Jim though their argument was settled at breakfast, Sally still has some unresolved issues."
Honestly, don't you feel this way about your sweetie sometimes? Sure you do. So what's a person to do--give up? Let's face it you really do know if your communication is being received, it is just easier to stay in your comfort zone and be oblivious--and yes, this goes for both guys & gals.
What Are You Really Trying To Say? Communication is an interesting phenomenon, there is the sender and there is the receiver--and rarely does the exact message sent get received in accordance with the sender. Nothing new here--sure, I know. However, the real issue is do you give a rat's ass about the other? If you do, you'll go to the effort to get them to feed back what you sent so you can determine if the message was received anywhere close to what was intended.
In today's hurry, hurry, hurry, world--communication truly suffers. Decide to be part of the solution rather than the problem and take the time to be certain of how your communication is received--otherwise you'll be like Jim in the cartoon with the duh look on your face, never quite understanding why your sweetie is ticked off.
Danielle Miller recently posted an answer to "need verses want" on my Facebook Relationship Glue Group wall. She stated, "I think a 'needy' person can have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, but it involves them being aware of their "neediness" and making an effort to really look at themselves and find out why they are needy."
Let's talk about needy people. And while on the subject let's cover clingy people also. Needy People If you are the kind of person afflicted with the "Savior Complex" then a needy person is your saving grace. You can do for them and feel good about yourself...until...they heal and no longer need you. Then the relationship is over. For the needy person, he or she will hang around AS LONG AS ALL THEIR NEEDS ARE BEING MET. Danielle makes a great point that alludes to needy people being aware of their neediness. However, I'm not convinced that they can overcome their pathology...and I could be wrong. I'm a control freak, I know it, I try to overcome it, and yet frequently its ugly head pop up when least expected.
My guess is that I manage my controlling nature rather than overcome it. If you know you are needy, you have a lot of work to do if you desire a mutually beneficial relationship. Try fulfilling your neediness by DOING for your special someone. Take that "hole" and fill it with activity that serves your spouse in the method they prefer to be served and your need to be loved, nurtured, and appreciated will be fulfilled.
Clingy People Needy people are frequently also clingy people. To most clingy equals suffocation. Control freaks like me can also be clingy, just ask my wife (and I've been working on it for 35 years). For clingy and needy people, if you can (metaphorically) hold your special someone to you like you'd hold a fencing foil or a bird; just tight enough not to lose it, but not so tight that you strangle the life out of it--you have a chance. The idea is the science; the art is in the implementation of the idea. Happy loving,
Obligatory is Just That Doing something special for your special someone on only the obligatory days is the "table stakes," the minimum to get into the game. What are the obligatory days? Valentine's Day, Birthday, Christmas. All that gifts on those days do is give your special someone "bragging rights." "Look what he/she got for me!" Only doing something on the obligatory days is the domain of Relationship Losers.
The Unexpected Times This is where you earn real "relationship points." To be a Relationship Winner, you had better work on making relationship points, at the minimum of twice a week--daily is much better. To earn a relationship point, you do not have to spend money, better yet, spend your time. For guys, your unexpected kindness could be as simple as making the bed, getting up first and making the coffee, washing the dishes...actually anything considered "domestic" is a great place to start. Also, for your special someone; write a poem or leave a love note. In this area, there are no rules, just great ideas. For the gals, this is your specialty so I do not need to go into details. However, remember that it is what he wants, not what you want.
Small Gestures Daily If you can, daily endeavor to offer a small and unexpected gesture of love, respect, and appreciation. These little things will go a long way. Each is another Relationship Bank Deposit that collectively, over time, will add up to a huge relationship nest egg. And trust me, stuff happens, so one day you'll be grateful that you did all the small things.
In a relationship the negative force generally is victorious over the positive. This "truth" is almost always the case. If one wants the relationship to fail and one wants it to succeed, you can be assured that the relationship will fail. How does it affect you?
Ignore the Negative I'm not suggesting that you become an ostrich and put your head in the sand but rather suggesting that you limit negativity around you; especially people that are negative on relationships. There is not much value in a sitting around with relationship losers and commiserating about how their partners were schmucks. If you allow this unfiltered negative information to enter your subconscious, you are truly sabotaging your relationship(s). If you unknowingly slip into the negative syndrome, you will surely kill your relationship.
Dealing with a Negative World Think about it, the modern day media thrives on negative stories and sensationalism. Are you letting their messages reach your subconscious mind unfiltered? Do you leave the television or radio on for background noise? If so, you are allowing all the negativity to reach your mind--unfiltered--stop it! Rather than become a relationship losers yourself, facilitate nurturing, love, and respect in all that you do. And, start by spending less time with your relationship losers friends.
One of the greatest books that made a difference in my life is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. He talked quite a bit about what you feed your mind. He suggested having your goals written and reading them every night before retiring and every morning when rising. He also suggested mental visualization exercises.
Try this, at night before you retire spend a minute or two with your virtual mastermind, persons in your head, living or dead, that you respect their opinion. Ask for relationship guidance of these luminary and let your own subconscious seek answers. This is surely better than using relationship losers for guidance.
Here's the rub for women; if you buy what John Grey says in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (and I do) then you will always be fighting the tendency to solve your relationship problems by committee--asking several of your friends for their advice--and this is an affront to trusting yourself.
Want wonderful relationships? Be careful to whom you listen...
You know that you need that lovin' feeling, but...why aren't you getting it? Perhaps it is because you are only putting out what you want?
Receive What You Send
Come on, let's be honest with one another...can we? If you treat your partner like crap, what do toy expect? But you say, "I'm treating my partner great!" Are you? Your partner's perception is his or her reality. If you are doing things for them (making relationship bank deposits) that they do not see as useful or valuable--guess what? They're not! If you do something for another person that you might like them to do for you; that's nice. But the act is of very little value, if any, to the receiving person. Why? Because you are not doing for them, something that they value. And then you get all pissed off because they are not appreciative of your gesture. Wow, what did you expect?
Ask First, Do Second
Yep, ask your partner what they need, and/or hold as being valuable. Then do that, not what you have been doing. It is simple as that--trust me. But wait! You still think they really like what you like--you've got to get a clue. Their perception is their reality, and there is no way that you will change their reality following your current course. Better, work to develop strategies and tactics that will allow your partner to reveal to you what it is that they really want. Think about it--you have nothing lose.
Wishing you all the best in gettin' that lovin' feeling...Ed
Not long ago, I asked this question of my Facebook friends, "Wondering...what have you done today to elevate your relationships both at home and work? Did you make a Relationship Bank Deposit today?"
A response I enjoyed was:
"My best reply after countless cups of coffee and the entire day off is...to elevate one's own self-awareness is indeed to make the best deposit possible in another's emotional bank! Self-awareness is highly effective in our attempts to be tolerant and accepting of others, regardless of our own agenda or ability to comply."
Our Wiring
Most would agree that women are hard-wired to nurture. However, few would say the same for men. As such, nurturing for men must be learned. Nurturing was generally not part of a boy's elementary and secondary school education. Add the complications of young woman's expectations of young men, and we have plenty of "defective" guys running around out there.
First, nurturing for men tends not to come naturally and takes quite some time to learn. Women, deal with it.
Second, women are accountable to help men learn to nurture--yep, I said it! Women are accountable. And men are accountable to make an effort to learn.
Third, both men and women must be accountable to themselves to tell their partner of their needs--rather than to keep those needs bottled up inside and "hope" the other will somehow just know what they want. If you are not receiving what you need, you will not particularly “feel” like nurturing your partner.
Fourth, guys have to get their heads out of their rear end's and realize that it is okay to be loving and nurturing and still be masculine.
Fifth, gals…let me say this as plainly as I can. Guys don’t like games. Don’t wonder what he meant, for God’s sake, ask him! Most likely, he meant exactly what he said. Most likely, there was no hidden meaning in, “Honey, I’m exhausted.”
Sixth, enjoy each other; the differences, the similarities, and all that comes with being in a relationship.
Relationship Bank Deposits: One of the important elements of successful relationships is the Relationship Bank Deposit. Interestingly enough, too many folks want to make withdrawals before they make deposits--this is not you, I hope. Following the age-old idea of giving first and receiving later (I know, instant gratification is today's standard for so many), allows you to bank some relationship points for a relationship rainy day. This idea is crucial because you know that there will be conflict some time down the road.
I have found it to be true in my relationship with my wife of 35 years, Regina, that when I give first (living in a glass house, I admit my imperfection here) she responds quite well.
Talking to the guys briefly; women are wired to nurture. As such they tend not to ask for what they need as much as they perhaps should. So your job is to preempt by doing things for them they would not normally expect of you--thereby making an unrestrictedRelationship Bank Deposit.
Gals, your job is to not read anything into these acts of kindness; but to just enjoy. For women this is not always easy as they are quite used to the male/female quid pro quo; dinner for bedding.
Here is where this creates value for your life; just do nice things for others and it will come back to you. And do lots of nice things for the person with whom you enjoy a romantic relationship. Just do this and I guarantee your relationship will be even better.
Ed Rigsbee has been helping corporations to build long-lasting business growth alliances for over two decades. Ed believes that both life and business are about building mutually-beneficial relationships. Married for 35 years, and the author of 3 published books on strategic alliance relationships and over 1,500 published articles, Ed offers a unique window into today's successful business and personal relationships. To access the several "aspects & activities" of Ed, visit www.EdRigsbee.com which is the portal to all his activities.
