Survive Your Relatives; Holiday Checklist

1. When Uncle Abe or Aunt Agnes tells the same old story they tell every year, remember to smile and say, “I do so enjoy your retelling of that story.”
2. When mother/father-in-law tells you, for the 734^th time, that you are doing (you fill in the blank) wrong. Smile and say, “It would be a huge help to me if you could take over (you fill in the blank).” That would allow me to focus more on… (you fill in the blank)
3. I know your spouse’s sibling’s kids drive you crazy. They are ill-mannered, rude, sloppy little pigs. And your point is? Come on, you know what to do. Put anything remotely of value in the closet for their visit. Scotchguard® your carpet and set up an appointment for the carpet cleaners to come after the holidays. And remember, when you were a kid, you might not have been perfect either. The adrenaline level of kids during the holidays peaks to all time highs. Make sure you have some activities planned to help them drain some of the hyper-energy.
4. Your sweetie is just as stressed as you are during the holidays, especially if it is their relatives coming for a visit. Do your best to give them space, support, and understanding as they attempt to juggle the impossible—all of them, and you!
5. Gift receiving can be sticky so…look admiringly at that awful tie or ugly night gown and remember that you can always donate it to the Goodwill. Give the giver your gift of graciousness and appreciation, no matter how repugnant the gift.
6. Remember that holiday coping mechanisms are not proof positive that you are a passive-aggressive doormat, but rather a nice gesture to help everyone enjoy the holidays together. I have a brother-in-law that I love and respect. Yet, there is no counter point discussion possible with him. Things are fine as long as I understand his perspective, and agree. Guess what? I get to travel the world, and organizations all around the globe pay me to share my perspective. So really, smiling and giving this man an audience is truly no big deal. I’ll admit, I thought much differently when I was younger. A smile and a bit of tolerance will go a long way in making your holidays bright.

Yearning for Attention

I was recently reading T. Harv Eker’s book titled, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind and stumbled across this passage, “Believe me, it is virtually impossible to be truly happy and successful when you’re yearning for attention.”

The subject of seeking attention is quite a good one. Seeking attention is generally attributed to deficiencies in self-esteem, with need being a close second. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with seeking love and nourishment from another human being—quite the contrary. Giving and receiving love is the ultimate human gift.

What about seeking attention for the wrong reasons…like the need to shore up missing aspects for your life and being? One could make a darn good argument that this passage refers to behavior and/or personality.

For a healthy relationship to succeed, both partners must to the best job possible in the area of self improvement and self fulfillment. The troubles arise when one partner expects the other to “complete” them in the area of personality deficits.

Help your partner to grow, help your partner to understand, and help your partner to be their own complete person. Complete and emotionally healthy persons have the capacity to give lovingly to their partner—and receive. Can this be you?

Overcome Relationship Road Blocks

Great personal and romantic relationships are hard enough, without putting your head in the sand in dealing with some of the basic road blocks to successful relationships. If you are looking toward long-term relationship success, keeping an eye open as to some of the basic road blocks is a superior success strategy.

Hidden Agendas

When another intentionally sets a plan in motion to purposefully deceive you, it is near impossible to detect—or is it? The key here is being open to the typical relationship red flags that many ignore; internal and external. Rather than justify your partner’s actions early on, scrutinize them. Sure it is difficult to love and to scrutinize at the same time, however it is entirely possible. Choose not to be blinded or smitten, as these qualities are frequently a formula for disaster. Go into relationships with an open mind and heart—and an automatic protection mechanism—one that enables you to see reality as opposed to fantasy.

Unrealistic Expectations

Is there such thing as a Prince Charming, Snow White, or Cinderella? It is rare that one person embodies all things wonderful and none objectionable. Too many men and women have waited a lifetime for that perfect mate and missed out on a lifetime of nurturing and rewarding relationships. It is realistic to expect that many of your needs will be met in a romantic relationship, but unrealistic to expect that every single whim will be received with, “Your wish is my command.”

Unfulfilled Needs

With what I have stated above, this is a difficult and sensitive issue. While every romantic and relationship impulse may not be fulfilled by your partner at the spontaneity you desire, it is nonetheless very important that you stand up for, and return; respect, courtesy, and love in your relationship. How that washes out is; you had better get really, really, good at asking for what you want. You also must get really, really, good in asking in a way that your partner responds positively. Unfulfilled basic needs are what will eventually create a wondering heart. If you love and respect your partner, then you will be courteous in response to their needs, and vice versa.

Dreadful Communication

Communication is the foundation for either a successful relationship, or a failed one—it just depends on how well you communicate. Code words, jargon, and hidden meanings will not serve you, or your partner—unless of course both totally understand the various meanings in all situations. Think that’s possible? Words have meaning! Be clear on what you say, how you say it, and in a way that your partner will completely understand your intended meaning. Hinting is not communicating! Expecting the other “to understand” is not communicating. Expecting your partner to read your mind is also NOT communicating. Communicating is, eyeball to eyeball, using simple and clearly understood language—expressing what’s on your mind with understanding as your intent—not cryptically stinging under your breath.

If your subliminal intention in communication is to understand and be understood, you will have a much better chance of success. Too frequently people try to accomplish two things in their communication; get what they want and manipulate others. Perhaps that’s fine in a hardball selling situation but it is not fine in romantic relationships. Be the communication, live the communication, and respect the communication of others—this will go a long way in eliminating dreadful communication.

I grant you that overcoming relationship road blocks is not always easy, but grant me this: it is always worth it, if the person is worth it.

Resurrecting Your Relationship

What better time than Easter is there to resurrect your damaged relationship?

Some believe that resurrection is possible and some do not. Easter has traditionally been the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. Historically we know he died because one of the Roman soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear to ensure his death. Some of his disciples then buried his body in a new tomb; sealed and guarded by order of Pilate. On Easter morning some women and apostles went to Jesus' tomb, expecting to find his body. However, the tomb was empty, and the angel at the tomb told them, "He is not here; he has risen!"

My question for you today is not religious but secular. Do you believe that it is possible to resurrect your dead or dyeing relationship? The answer to this question is the core.

The Glass Egg

In the late 1980s I experienced the Lifespring seminars, which were a byproduct of the earlier EST movement. While the seminars were intense and time consuming, I still value the experience to this day. Upon graduation from my advanced class, my group leader, Nancy Morris, gave each member of the group a glass egg. The egg was to symbolize, resulting from the experience, my rebirth as a human being. For over 20 years that egg has sat on a bookshelf in my office as a reminder.

To many, Easter also represents the welcoming of spring time, and the compulsory spring cleaning. During spring cleaning most cast off needless possessions and the dirt and grime accumulated over winter—but what about in your head? Might you be clinging to useless old mental conversations about loved ones?

Emotional Spring Cleaning

How about making tomorrow, Easter 2010, your mental and emotional spring cleaning day? Perhaps Easter holds for you an ingrained religious experience? If so, embrace your beliefs—and also cast off your erroneous relationship issues!

I will admit that in the human relationship dynamic; when one wants a negative result and one wants a positive result, the negative generally wins. Yet, when two persons have been emotionally wounded by one another, there is still room for relationship resurrection.

1. The first step is to reconnect with early feelings of love or emotional attachment.

2. The second step is to remember what it was about the other that you found attractive.

3. The third, fourth, and fifth steps are to communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Cast Off

Cast off your emotional junk for Easter 2010 and talk. Please do not talk about all the hurt and pain; you’ve already discussed that over and over and over with your friends. Rather, talk about the possibility, about rebuilding trust, about moving forward. If the other person was good enough to hook up with in the first place, might they still be good enough for you to keep?

So You Want More Sex?

Sex is one of the “Big Three” in romantic relationship demise. I refer the three as the “Relationship Failure Triad.” I’m talking about sex, money, and kids. These three elements are at the near-core of most relationship malfunctions. Before I get to the triad, the core is love-of-self; either too much or too little.

At the Core—Love of Self

Let’s take it to the core then deal with the surface issues. Self-love is arguably at the core of all relationship collapse or success. If you do not love yourself enough you will accept a lousy partner from the beginning and the relationship is sure to fail. If you love yourself too much, then you are the lousy partner. To make any relationship work each partner has to be confident in his or herself enough to both freely give and expect to freely receive. Conversely, when two people have a healthy amount of self-love they are naturally willing to do the work necessary to develop, implement, and maintain healthy long-term relationships. For divorcees, self-love is generally the area of most needed attention.

Sex

In only the rarest of cases can a romantic relationship be built without the cornerstone of fulfilling sex—you can take that to the bank! I say fulfilling because being docile, is light years away from active participative. Sure, there are times when either partner might just go through the motions because of some situation that is using up all their mental capacity, and that cannot be a regular thing. Yes, there will be times when you are not interested but acknowledge the importance of giving your partner that which you know they need. No sex, lousy sex, and resentful sex; will not sustain a relationship. However, participative sex will. If you allow it to be, the simple act of giving your partner what you know they need, can truly be a turn on.

Money

You’ve heard the old adage; Money is the root of all evil. Perhaps it is—but I believe it is the love and pursuit of money and power, which causes the real problems. Just having money is not the problem. Not having money, on the other hand, can be an irretrievable anchor causing irreparable relationship harm. When money is freely available, either partner can amuse and occupy themselves without thought. However when there is financial struggle; when simply paying a mortgage payment or buying food is the issue, then that becomes a pressure cooker that knows no limits. When both partners have reasonable amounts of self-love and personal confidence, while difficult, these times can be tempered with discussion, planning, and a little bit of trust and hope.

Kids

Like many other things in life, kids become a distraction away from your relationship. While distractions are natural and expected, for your relation to remain successful, distractions must be managed. The insidious relationship challenge that comes with raising children is the inner desire to improve on oneself through offspring. We all have made mistakes and fallen short of expectations. Yet, within a healthy person’s psyche is the desire for their offspring to do better then they did. When this desire becomes obsessive and all consuming and all energy goes into the children, there is absolutely nothing left for the spouse or partner. It is very unhealthy for a parent to get so wrapped up in their child that they (a) no longer have their own life to lead and (b) are unwilling or unable to freely give to their partner. A healthy, self-loving, and confident person realizes that raising children is a semi-temporary job. Kids need 18 years of intense guidance and then a lifetime of parental nagging. It is important to realize that one day (hopefully) the kids will be out of the house and you can once again romp naked to your heart’s content. And if you have done a good job in keeping your relationship healthy, you’ll get to romp naked, non-solo.

Getting the Sex You Want

In the final analysis, if you want more sex—first love yourself just the right amount and have the confidence to give freely to your partner; that which you know they need. Do it with out being emotionally threatened. Then offer clear and concise communication as to your needs. Create a safe environment where your partner can do the same and enjoy heavenly bliss—until of course you have to do the above again. And I assure you, you will—it’s a journey rather than a destination. Please enjoy the fruits of your harvest responsibly…

Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It

With St. Patrick’s Day peaking around the corner, I thought it prudent to share a story from just a couple years back. My wife, Regina, and I were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish friend’s house who actually built an authentic Irish pub in his home. Driving to the party, Regina offered to be the designated driver—allowing me the freedom to really get into the mood.

At the Party

It’s about an hour into the party and I’m sitting at the bar in my friend’s home pub enjoying some of his fine Irish whiskey. Regina strolls over to the bar, quite happy, with newly discovered green jell-o shooters in hand; telling us how much she was enjoying them. At that moment, I realized that our plans had changed. I looked at my buddy, he looked at me, and I stated quietly to him, “I’m done drinking for the evening.”

Wisdom with Age

In earlier times, I most likely would have gotten very angry at Regina for not keeping her word about being the designated driver. Over the years, I’ve learned that stuff happens and to just get over it. What about you? While this is a timely St. Patrick’s Day party example, the bigger issue is learning to accept that things change, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. There are much more important issues to discuss, debate, and even argue about than designated driver. Regina was having a wonderful time so why in the world would I want to rob her of the experience?

Things Will Change

The longer you are in a relationship the more you realize that what is dependable is that things are in a constant flux. You can either fight it or go with it. So what if your partner changes his or her mind—like you have never done the same thing? Realize also, that I’m not talking about a passive-aggressive partner that agrees now to avoid conflict and then disagrees later. I’m simply saying that one needs to be flexible enough to absorb situations where your partner, in the moment, honestly changes their mind.

My suggestion is that you keep this idea close to your heart: Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It.

My Relationship; Am I Paying Attention or Off the Mark?

You’ve been there, you know what I’m talking about; your special someone just will not open up and tell you why they appear not to be themselves—so you think. This is a hugely difficult dynamic. You ask yourself, “Do I push for answers, or just keep quiet?”

Is it Real?

How do you know if there really is a problem? It seems as such; their behavior has changed just slightly. They’re just not quite as attentive as usual. Sure, it could be you, or it could be something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. How do you know? Just how pushy should you be in attempting to discover if there really is an issue?

Living in Oblivion

For years, I have used a cartoon in my seminars to make the point of male cluelessness. Visualize the picture; upon entering the house, still at the front door, a spear hits the door inches from his head. The caption reads, “Although he thought their argument had been settled at breakfast, Jim sensed that Sally had some unresolved issues.” So the challenge becomes living one’s life, skating on thin ice—ice that is really a continuum that stretches between oblivious and aggressive. The fact is…you are going to fall on that hard ice once in a while.

It’s Not Easy

To illustrate how difficult this dynamic really is—I’ve been married for 35 years to the same woman, and I frequently still get it wrong. Sometimes I’m oblivious when I should be attentive and then other times I’m pushy when I should let things be. But, there is hope in communication; keep talking. Through sympathy, empathy, and compassion in conversation, you have your best chance of determining if it was you that screwed up or if your partner is simply dealing with some stuff that does not concern you.

Relationship Resolution

The truth will set you free, if your partner will just share it with you. First, in human relationships, I believe it is better to ask too may questions as opposed to not enough. With that said, it is also prudent not to be a pain in the neck. Yet, if we take a lesson from children, when they want something they are relentless in asking. Blending both ideas; be gentle but keep the communication going. Keep seeking answers, and do it from different perspectives. Do not keep asking the same question, but shift how you ask to broach the subject through different windows.

Let’s take a lesson from my old boss. In the mid-1970s, I was in outside sales and worked for a gentleman by the name of Ray Kahn. He told me, numerous times, if you make a mistake and lose an account, no problem. However, if you lose an account because you were not paying attention—I don’t need you. I witnessed Ray firing a salesman, Mike, for losing a major account because he was simply not paying attention. Whatever you do, don’t lose your partner in life because you were asleep at the wheel. -Ed Rigsbee

The Valentine’s Day Dilemma

Yes, that day is just about here; while Valentine’s Day should represent one’s love, commitment, and devotion to their spouse, partner, or significant other—it all too frequently represents several days of pre-Valentine’s Day internal conflict. Are you driving yourself crazy on what to do for your special someone? You are? Why do you do that? I frequently do it too—stop it!

Guys, you want to be a hero with your Valentine’s Day offering as opposed to being the baboon that has sometimes plagued you over the years. You want to deliver an offering to your special someone that will give her bragging rights about the gift and demonstrate your caring manner. In this economic time perhaps an expensive gift is just not an option?

Gals, you want to be appreciated and do not want another lame last minute gift that shows zero thought and preparation.

What’s a person to do? There is a real Valentine’s dilemma; spending lots of money as opposed to spending lots of preparation time in creating a very personal gift. I like to write poetry for my wife. While I not really good at it, she appreciates my effort.

In this poor economy, and in many circles, it is cool to be frugal. Spend lots of money at Macy’s or Nordstrom if you wish—however, I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that your Valentine is more interested in you then they are your gift. Your Valentine will be ecstatic if you put time, thought, and innovation into your Valentine’s Day offering.

Remember, it is you that your Valentine wants.

Wishing you much enjoyment on Valentine’s Day, -Ed

Stop the Insanity--Build Outrageously Successful Relationships at Home and Work

Relationship conflict—I’ll take much less, thank you. Isn’t that what most people generally say? However, are your actions and words consistent? Wow, do I have your attention now? Let’s face it; everyone wants a reasonable return on their relationship investment (ROI). In order to receive any return, investment is the first important secret. Just how much investment have you made lately?

Relationship Investments

Be honest now; have your relationship investments just been the bare minimum to get the return that you want? If so, you know that you are not leaving any room for error, and we all error sometimes. By not leaving any margin for error, you can be assured of conflict sooner, than later. What I’m suggesting is that you re-evaluate your relationship investment strategy and embrace the idea of frequent relationship bank deposits. Build up a relationship contingency account for those times when you screw up—because you know you are going to screw up sometime.

Lose the Blinders and Focus on Others

When you only keep your focus on your needs, you can be assured that everyone else notices, especially the people that are important to you. So what’s a person with needs to do? The simple answer is to give, give, and give again. The more complex answer is for you to figure out what really matters to the persons in your life, which you care about and try to help them get what they need. Reciprocity is a wonderful and mysterious truth. When you help others to get what they need and want, they will experience a continual nagging feeling of loyalty, beholding, and allegiance toward you. While you can assign any name you want to this dynamic, it is nonetheless real. Lean into the idea and you’ll repeatedly be amazed at how it benefits you.

It’s Okay to be Healthily Selfish

Yes, I’ll admit it—this is my personal Achilles heal in life. Recently, a friend for whom I have enormous respect, Alan Weiss, told me, “Ed, you have to be much more healthily selfish in regards to your professional life.” He did not tell me to be more narcissistic, but rather not to forget about making sure that I receive value for my knowledge, effort, and results in helping others. I believe that there is a huge difference between the two; most people are weary of the narcissistic person while sub-consciously drawn to the healthily selfish person. When you are self-absorbed, few desire to be around you. However, when you are an active player in life, you become a magnet ROI.

Look for Every Opportunity to Serve Others

This is where the convergence of the above occurs. When you have a healthy mindset, great self-esteem and confidence, and truly desire to make relationship investments; this is the mental playground for developing outrageously successful relationships. I have preached from the podium, for over two decades, that partnerships, alliances, and relationships must be a two-way conduit for value delivery. I have admonished audiences around the world that they have both give value and receive value in order for any kind of a relationship to continue in the long-term. I truly believe that you have to give first. Why is this so? Because you were the person smart enough to figure it out—that’s why. And this is why I repeatedly state, “Look for every opportunity to serve others.” Do more than just look; find those opportunities and act on them. It is the correct action that delivers outrageously successful relationships.

Appreciativeness; It’s a Good Thing

Appreciating others is something we need to keep in the forefront of our thinking. While showing that appreciation can sometimes be elusive; personal awareness of the challenge goes a long way toward the resolution. Everyone wants relationship ROI; in order to get, you must give.

Friends Sharing

One of the things that I love about speaking professionally is that I get to meet, and keep in touch with, great folks from all around the world. The president of a good sized contracting company from South Carolina recently sent me this story suggesting that it went along with advice that I offered at his industry’s recent annual meeting:

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, and sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

Admit Guilt

Culpability is an uncomfortable relative, however like all relatives, must be acknowledged. I, Ed Rigsbee, must admit some personal guilt here. After reading this story, I instantly thought about a comment I recently made to my wife after she overcooked some cornbread muffins one recent morning—my bad! The important thing to keep in mind is that we will all make relationship mistakes; it is inevitable! The question is simply this, “Have you made enough Relationship Bank Deposits to cover your withdrawals?” And trust me; my comment cost me a big time withdrawal.

Be Mindful and Keep Perspective

The story above, in my opinion, illustrates appreciativeness at its best. Do (we, you, I) appreciate all the large and small things that our special someone does for us—even the effort and the intent? This is something of which to be always mindful.

Another important element in this story is that the husband kept things in perspective. When you think about it, a crusty biscuit really is no big deal. However, opening one’s mouth in the situation could be. By putting the situation in perspective, realizing the wife’s exhaustion and intent, even when the implementation was not as successful as usual—the intent is really what mattered. The wife made the effort! How many times in your relationship have you failed to even make an effort? I sure know I’m guilty in this area.

I truly believe that appreciativeness of others can bridge many deep relationship valleys and help to climb difficult relationship peaks. Make your Relationship Bank Deposits today.

Is Sex the Glue to a Relationship?

This question gets asked quite frequently; is sex the glue to a relationship? If you are 20 and are experiencing raging hormones, you would most likely answer; absolutely! However, if you are 60 your answer might be something like; sure it is important but not the kind of glue that holds relationships together for the long-term.

Sex and Glue Tact-ability

Glues have varying adhesion factors. I like to use Gorilla Glue for my wood working projects because it is both water proof and holds forever. However the glue that 3M uses on their Post-it Notes is very different as it has a very low adhesive factor. If sex is like relationship glue, then which glue is it—the stuff that sticks forever or that lets go at the slightest tug?

Sex as the Mitigating Factor

Sex is an age appropriate relationship glue; more on the onset and less in the long-haul. If you are younger the more important question is one of relationship tenure. If you are in a “fun” relationship and you have no expectations of the relationship’s long-term viability, then yes—sex is glue. And, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, sex is an important mitigating factor. While the relationship will most likely fail without sex, you must realize that sex will not bind a misfit relationship forever. Sex as “glue” will only last so long.

Relationship Gorilla Glue

The true glue that binds any relationship is trust, courtesy, and mutual-respect—aka, love. Without these elements, even porn-star quality sex will only take you so far. The novelty will wear off. Conversely, good healthy loving relationships do enjoy sex as one of the success building blocks.

My final vote on sex as the relationship glue: kinda.

Happy loving…