Remember the Little Things

Obligatory is Just That
Doing something special for your special someone on only the obligatory days is the "table stakes," the minimum to get into the game. What are the obligatory days? Valentine's Day, Birthday, Christmas. All that gifts on those days do is give your special someone "bragging rights." "Look what he/she got for me!" Only doing something on the obligatory days is the domain of Relationship Losers.

The Unexpected Times
This is where you earn real "relationship points." To be a Relationship Winner, you had better work on making relationship points, at the minimum of twice a week--daily is much better. To earn a relationship point, you do not have to spend money, better yet, spend your time. For guys, your unexpected kindness could be as simple as making the bed, getting up first and making the coffee, washing the dishes...actually anything considered "domestic" is a great place to start. Also, for your special someone; write a poem or leave a love note. In this area, there are no rules, just great ideas. For the gals, this is your specialty so I do not need to go into details. However, remember that it is what he wants, not what you want.

Small Gestures Daily
If you can, daily endeavor to offer a small and unexpected gesture of love, respect, and appreciation. These little things will go a long way. Each is another Relationship Bank Deposit that collectively, over time, will add up to a huge relationship nest egg. And trust me, stuff happens, so one day you'll be grateful that you did all the small things.

Don't Listen to the Negative Voices

In a relationship the negative force generally is victorious over the positive. This "truth" is almost always the case. If one wants the relationship to fail and one wants it to succeed, you can be assured that the relationship will fail. How does it affect you?

Ignore the Negative
I'm not suggesting that you become an ostrich and put your head in the sand but rather suggesting that you limit negativity around you; especially people that are negative on relationships. There is not much value in a sitting around with relationship losers and commiserating about how their partners were schmucks. If you allow this unfiltered negative information to enter your subconscious, you are truly sabotaging your relationship(s). If you unknowingly slip into the negative syndrome, you will surely kill your relationship.

Dealing with a Negative World
Think about it, the modern day media thrives on negative stories and sensationalism. Are you letting their messages reach your subconscious mind unfiltered? Do you leave the television or radio on for background noise? If so, you are allowing all the negativity to reach your mind--unfiltered--stop it! Rather than become a relationship losers yourself, facilitate nurturing, love, and respect in all that you do. And, start by spending less time with your relationship losers friends.

One of the greatest books that made a difference in my life is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. He talked quite a bit about what you feed your mind. He suggested having your goals written and reading them every night before retiring and every morning when rising. He also suggested mental visualization exercises.

Try this, at night before you retire spend a minute or two with your virtual mastermind, persons in your head, living or dead, that you respect their opinion. Ask for relationship guidance of these luminary and let your own subconscious seek answers. This is surely better than using relationship losers for guidance.

Here's the rub for women; if you buy what John Grey says in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (and I do) then you will always be fighting the tendency to solve your relationship problems by committee--asking several of your friends for their advice--and this is an affront to trusting yourself.

Want wonderful relationships? Be careful to whom you listen...

Need that Lovin' Feeling?

You know that you need that lovin' feeling, but...why aren't you getting it? Perhaps it is because you are only putting out what you want?

Receive What You Send

Come on, let's be honest with one another...can we? If you treat your partner like crap, what do toy expect? But you say, "I'm treating my partner great!" Are you? Your partner's perception is his or her reality. If you are doing things for them (making relationship bank deposits) that they do not see as useful or valuable--guess what? They're not! If you do something for another person that you might like them to do for you; that's nice. But the act is of very little value, if any, to the receiving person. Why? Because you are not doing for them, something that they value. And then you get all pissed off because they are not appreciative of your gesture. Wow, what did you expect?

Ask First, Do Second

Yep, ask your partner what they need, and/or hold as being valuable. Then do that, not what you have been doing. It is simple as that--trust me. But wait! You still think they really like what you like--you've got to get a clue. Their perception is their reality, and there is no way that you will change their reality following your current course. Better, work to develop strategies and tactics that will allow your partner to reveal to you what it is that they really want. Think about it--you have nothing lose.

Wishing you all the best in gettin' that lovin' feeling...Ed

Our Hard-Wiring

Not long ago, I asked this question of my Facebook friends, "Wondering...what have you done today to elevate your relationships both at home and work? Did you make a Relationship Bank Deposit today?"

A response I enjoyed was:

"My best reply after countless cups of coffee and the entire day off is...to elevate one's own self-awareness is indeed to make the best deposit possible in another's emotional bank! Self-awareness is highly effective in our attempts to be tolerant and accepting of others, regardless of our own agenda or ability to comply."

Our Wiring

Most would agree that women are hard-wired to nurture. However, few would say the same for men. As such, nurturing for men must be learned. Nurturing was generally not part of a boy's elementary and secondary school education. Add the complications of young woman's expectations of young men, and we have plenty of "defective" guys running around out there.

First, nurturing for men tends not to come naturally and takes quite some time to learn. Women, deal with it.

Second, women are accountable to help men learn to nurture--yep, I said it! Women are accountable. And men are accountable to make an effort to learn.

Third, both men and women must be accountable to themselves to tell their partner of their needs--rather than to keep those needs bottled up inside and "hope" the other will somehow just know what they want. If you are not receiving what you need, you will not particularly “feel” like nurturing your partner.

Fourth, guys have to get their heads out of their rear end's and realize that it is okay to be loving and nurturing and still be masculine.

Fifth, gals…let me say this as plainly as I can. Guys don’t like games. Don’t wonder what he meant, for God’s sake, ask him! Most likely, he meant exactly what he said. Most likely, there was no hidden meaning in, “Honey, I’m exhausted.”

Sixth, enjoy each other; the differences, the similarities, and all that comes with being in a relationship.

Wishing you all the best, Ed Rigsbee

Getting What You Want from Others

Relationship Bank Deposits: One of the important elements of successful relationships is the Relationship Bank Deposit. Interestingly enough, too many folks want to make withdrawals before they make deposits--this is not you, I hope. Following the age-old idea of giving first and receiving later (I know, instant gratification is today's standard for so many), allows you to bank some relationship points for a relationship rainy day. This idea is crucial because you know that there will be conflict some time down the road.

I have found it to be true in my relationship with my wife of 35 years, Regina, that when I give first (living in a glass house, I admit my imperfection here) she responds quite well.

Talking to the guys briefly; women are wired to nurture. As such they tend not to ask for what they need as much as they perhaps should. So your job is to preempt by doing things for them they would not normally expect of you--thereby making an unrestricted Relationship Bank Deposit.

Gals, your job is to not read anything into these acts of kindness; but to just enjoy. For women this is not always easy as they are quite used to the male/female quid pro quo; dinner for bedding.

Here is where this creates value for your life; just do nice things for others and it will come back to you. And do lots of nice things for the person with whom you enjoy a romantic relationship. Just do this and I guarantee your relationship will be even better.

Plan today for the weekend, Ed Rigsbee