Joan Tezak Commenting on Ed Rigsbee

Survive Your Relatives; Holiday Checklist

1. When Uncle Abe or Aunt Agnes tells the same old story they tell every year, remember to smile and say, “I do so enjoy your retelling of that story.”
2. When mother/father-in-law tells you, for the 734^th time, that you are doing (you fill in the blank) wrong. Smile and say, “It would be a huge help to me if you could take over (you fill in the blank).” That would allow me to focus more on… (you fill in the blank)
3. I know your spouse’s sibling’s kids drive you crazy. They are ill-mannered, rude, sloppy little pigs. And your point is? Come on, you know what to do. Put anything remotely of value in the closet for their visit. Scotchguard® your carpet and set up an appointment for the carpet cleaners to come after the holidays. And remember, when you were a kid, you might not have been perfect either. The adrenaline level of kids during the holidays peaks to all time highs. Make sure you have some activities planned to help them drain some of the hyper-energy.
4. Your sweetie is just as stressed as you are during the holidays, especially if it is their relatives coming for a visit. Do your best to give them space, support, and understanding as they attempt to juggle the impossible—all of them, and you!
5. Gift receiving can be sticky so…look admiringly at that awful tie or ugly night gown and remember that you can always donate it to the Goodwill. Give the giver your gift of graciousness and appreciation, no matter how repugnant the gift.
6. Remember that holiday coping mechanisms are not proof positive that you are a passive-aggressive doormat, but rather a nice gesture to help everyone enjoy the holidays together. I have a brother-in-law that I love and respect. Yet, there is no counter point discussion possible with him. Things are fine as long as I understand his perspective, and agree. Guess what? I get to travel the world, and organizations all around the globe pay me to share my perspective. So really, smiling and giving this man an audience is truly no big deal. I’ll admit, I thought much differently when I was younger. A smile and a bit of tolerance will go a long way in making your holidays bright.

Yearning for Attention

I was recently reading T. Harv Eker’s book titled, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind and stumbled across this passage, “Believe me, it is virtually impossible to be truly happy and successful when you’re yearning for attention.”

The subject of seeking attention is quite a good one. Seeking attention is generally attributed to deficiencies in self-esteem, with need being a close second. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with seeking love and nourishment from another human being—quite the contrary. Giving and receiving love is the ultimate human gift.

What about seeking attention for the wrong reasons…like the need to shore up missing aspects for your life and being? One could make a darn good argument that this passage refers to behavior and/or personality.

For a healthy relationship to succeed, both partners must to the best job possible in the area of self improvement and self fulfillment. The troubles arise when one partner expects the other to “complete” them in the area of personality deficits.

Help your partner to grow, help your partner to understand, and help your partner to be their own complete person. Complete and emotionally healthy persons have the capacity to give lovingly to their partner—and receive. Can this be you?

Overcome Relationship Road Blocks

Great personal and romantic relationships are hard enough, without putting your head in the sand in dealing with some of the basic road blocks to successful relationships. If you are looking toward long-term relationship success, keeping an eye open as to some of the basic road blocks is a superior success strategy.

Hidden Agendas

When another intentionally sets a plan in motion to purposefully deceive you, it is near impossible to detect—or is it? The key here is being open to the typical relationship red flags that many ignore; internal and external. Rather than justify your partner’s actions early on, scrutinize them. Sure it is difficult to love and to scrutinize at the same time, however it is entirely possible. Choose not to be blinded or smitten, as these qualities are frequently a formula for disaster. Go into relationships with an open mind and heart—and an automatic protection mechanism—one that enables you to see reality as opposed to fantasy.

Unrealistic Expectations

Is there such thing as a Prince Charming, Snow White, or Cinderella? It is rare that one person embodies all things wonderful and none objectionable. Too many men and women have waited a lifetime for that perfect mate and missed out on a lifetime of nurturing and rewarding relationships. It is realistic to expect that many of your needs will be met in a romantic relationship, but unrealistic to expect that every single whim will be received with, “Your wish is my command.”

Unfulfilled Needs

With what I have stated above, this is a difficult and sensitive issue. While every romantic and relationship impulse may not be fulfilled by your partner at the spontaneity you desire, it is nonetheless very important that you stand up for, and return; respect, courtesy, and love in your relationship. How that washes out is; you had better get really, really, good at asking for what you want. You also must get really, really, good in asking in a way that your partner responds positively. Unfulfilled basic needs are what will eventually create a wondering heart. If you love and respect your partner, then you will be courteous in response to their needs, and vice versa.

Dreadful Communication

Communication is the foundation for either a successful relationship, or a failed one—it just depends on how well you communicate. Code words, jargon, and hidden meanings will not serve you, or your partner—unless of course both totally understand the various meanings in all situations. Think that’s possible? Words have meaning! Be clear on what you say, how you say it, and in a way that your partner will completely understand your intended meaning. Hinting is not communicating! Expecting the other “to understand” is not communicating. Expecting your partner to read your mind is also NOT communicating. Communicating is, eyeball to eyeball, using simple and clearly understood language—expressing what’s on your mind with understanding as your intent—not cryptically stinging under your breath.

If your subliminal intention in communication is to understand and be understood, you will have a much better chance of success. Too frequently people try to accomplish two things in their communication; get what they want and manipulate others. Perhaps that’s fine in a hardball selling situation but it is not fine in romantic relationships. Be the communication, live the communication, and respect the communication of others—this will go a long way in eliminating dreadful communication.

I grant you that overcoming relationship road blocks is not always easy, but grant me this: it is always worth it, if the person is worth it.

Resurrecting Your Relationship

What better time than Easter is there to resurrect your damaged relationship?

Some believe that resurrection is possible and some do not. Easter has traditionally been the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. Historically we know he died because one of the Roman soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear to ensure his death. Some of his disciples then buried his body in a new tomb; sealed and guarded by order of Pilate. On Easter morning some women and apostles went to Jesus' tomb, expecting to find his body. However, the tomb was empty, and the angel at the tomb told them, "He is not here; he has risen!"

My question for you today is not religious but secular. Do you believe that it is possible to resurrect your dead or dyeing relationship? The answer to this question is the core.

The Glass Egg

In the late 1980s I experienced the Lifespring seminars, which were a byproduct of the earlier EST movement. While the seminars were intense and time consuming, I still value the experience to this day. Upon graduation from my advanced class, my group leader, Nancy Morris, gave each member of the group a glass egg. The egg was to symbolize, resulting from the experience, my rebirth as a human being. For over 20 years that egg has sat on a bookshelf in my office as a reminder.

To many, Easter also represents the welcoming of spring time, and the compulsory spring cleaning. During spring cleaning most cast off needless possessions and the dirt and grime accumulated over winter—but what about in your head? Might you be clinging to useless old mental conversations about loved ones?

Emotional Spring Cleaning

How about making tomorrow, Easter 2010, your mental and emotional spring cleaning day? Perhaps Easter holds for you an ingrained religious experience? If so, embrace your beliefs—and also cast off your erroneous relationship issues!

I will admit that in the human relationship dynamic; when one wants a negative result and one wants a positive result, the negative generally wins. Yet, when two persons have been emotionally wounded by one another, there is still room for relationship resurrection.

1. The first step is to reconnect with early feelings of love or emotional attachment.

2. The second step is to remember what it was about the other that you found attractive.

3. The third, fourth, and fifth steps are to communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Cast Off

Cast off your emotional junk for Easter 2010 and talk. Please do not talk about all the hurt and pain; you’ve already discussed that over and over and over with your friends. Rather, talk about the possibility, about rebuilding trust, about moving forward. If the other person was good enough to hook up with in the first place, might they still be good enough for you to keep?

So You Want More Sex?

Sex is one of the “Big Three” in romantic relationship demise. I refer the three as the “Relationship Failure Triad.” I’m talking about sex, money, and kids. These three elements are at the near-core of most relationship malfunctions. Before I get to the triad, the core is love-of-self; either too much or too little.

At the Core—Love of Self

Let’s take it to the core then deal with the surface issues. Self-love is arguably at the core of all relationship collapse or success. If you do not love yourself enough you will accept a lousy partner from the beginning and the relationship is sure to fail. If you love yourself too much, then you are the lousy partner. To make any relationship work each partner has to be confident in his or herself enough to both freely give and expect to freely receive. Conversely, when two people have a healthy amount of self-love they are naturally willing to do the work necessary to develop, implement, and maintain healthy long-term relationships. For divorcees, self-love is generally the area of most needed attention.

Sex

In only the rarest of cases can a romantic relationship be built without the cornerstone of fulfilling sex—you can take that to the bank! I say fulfilling because being docile, is light years away from active participative. Sure, there are times when either partner might just go through the motions because of some situation that is using up all their mental capacity, and that cannot be a regular thing. Yes, there will be times when you are not interested but acknowledge the importance of giving your partner that which you know they need. No sex, lousy sex, and resentful sex; will not sustain a relationship. However, participative sex will. If you allow it to be, the simple act of giving your partner what you know they need, can truly be a turn on.

Money

You’ve heard the old adage; Money is the root of all evil. Perhaps it is—but I believe it is the love and pursuit of money and power, which causes the real problems. Just having money is not the problem. Not having money, on the other hand, can be an irretrievable anchor causing irreparable relationship harm. When money is freely available, either partner can amuse and occupy themselves without thought. However when there is financial struggle; when simply paying a mortgage payment or buying food is the issue, then that becomes a pressure cooker that knows no limits. When both partners have reasonable amounts of self-love and personal confidence, while difficult, these times can be tempered with discussion, planning, and a little bit of trust and hope.

Kids

Like many other things in life, kids become a distraction away from your relationship. While distractions are natural and expected, for your relation to remain successful, distractions must be managed. The insidious relationship challenge that comes with raising children is the inner desire to improve on oneself through offspring. We all have made mistakes and fallen short of expectations. Yet, within a healthy person’s psyche is the desire for their offspring to do better then they did. When this desire becomes obsessive and all consuming and all energy goes into the children, there is absolutely nothing left for the spouse or partner. It is very unhealthy for a parent to get so wrapped up in their child that they (a) no longer have their own life to lead and (b) are unwilling or unable to freely give to their partner. A healthy, self-loving, and confident person realizes that raising children is a semi-temporary job. Kids need 18 years of intense guidance and then a lifetime of parental nagging. It is important to realize that one day (hopefully) the kids will be out of the house and you can once again romp naked to your heart’s content. And if you have done a good job in keeping your relationship healthy, you’ll get to romp naked, non-solo.

Getting the Sex You Want

In the final analysis, if you want more sex—first love yourself just the right amount and have the confidence to give freely to your partner; that which you know they need. Do it with out being emotionally threatened. Then offer clear and concise communication as to your needs. Create a safe environment where your partner can do the same and enjoy heavenly bliss—until of course you have to do the above again. And I assure you, you will—it’s a journey rather than a destination. Please enjoy the fruits of your harvest responsibly…

Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It

With St. Patrick’s Day peaking around the corner, I thought it prudent to share a story from just a couple years back. My wife, Regina, and I were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish friend’s house who actually built an authentic Irish pub in his home. Driving to the party, Regina offered to be the designated driver—allowing me the freedom to really get into the mood.

At the Party

It’s about an hour into the party and I’m sitting at the bar in my friend’s home pub enjoying some of his fine Irish whiskey. Regina strolls over to the bar, quite happy, with newly discovered green jell-o shooters in hand; telling us how much she was enjoying them. At that moment, I realized that our plans had changed. I looked at my buddy, he looked at me, and I stated quietly to him, “I’m done drinking for the evening.”

Wisdom with Age

In earlier times, I most likely would have gotten very angry at Regina for not keeping her word about being the designated driver. Over the years, I’ve learned that stuff happens and to just get over it. What about you? While this is a timely St. Patrick’s Day party example, the bigger issue is learning to accept that things change, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. There are much more important issues to discuss, debate, and even argue about than designated driver. Regina was having a wonderful time so why in the world would I want to rob her of the experience?

Things Will Change

The longer you are in a relationship the more you realize that what is dependable is that things are in a constant flux. You can either fight it or go with it. So what if your partner changes his or her mind—like you have never done the same thing? Realize also, that I’m not talking about a passive-aggressive partner that agrees now to avoid conflict and then disagrees later. I’m simply saying that one needs to be flexible enough to absorb situations where your partner, in the moment, honestly changes their mind.

My suggestion is that you keep this idea close to your heart: Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It.