So You Want More Sex?

Sex is one of the “Big Three” in romantic relationship demise. I refer the three as the “Relationship Failure Triad.” I’m talking about sex, money, and kids. These three elements are at the near-core of most relationship malfunctions. Before I get to the triad, the core is love-of-self; either too much or too little.

At the Core—Love of Self

Let’s take it to the core then deal with the surface issues. Self-love is arguably at the core of all relationship collapse or success. If you do not love yourself enough you will accept a lousy partner from the beginning and the relationship is sure to fail. If you love yourself too much, then you are the lousy partner. To make any relationship work each partner has to be confident in his or herself enough to both freely give and expect to freely receive. Conversely, when two people have a healthy amount of self-love they are naturally willing to do the work necessary to develop, implement, and maintain healthy long-term relationships. For divorcees, self-love is generally the area of most needed attention.

Sex

In only the rarest of cases can a romantic relationship be built without the cornerstone of fulfilling sex—you can take that to the bank! I say fulfilling because being docile, is light years away from active participative. Sure, there are times when either partner might just go through the motions because of some situation that is using up all their mental capacity, and that cannot be a regular thing. Yes, there will be times when you are not interested but acknowledge the importance of giving your partner that which you know they need. No sex, lousy sex, and resentful sex; will not sustain a relationship. However, participative sex will. If you allow it to be, the simple act of giving your partner what you know they need, can truly be a turn on.

Money

You’ve heard the old adage; Money is the root of all evil. Perhaps it is—but I believe it is the love and pursuit of money and power, which causes the real problems. Just having money is not the problem. Not having money, on the other hand, can be an irretrievable anchor causing irreparable relationship harm. When money is freely available, either partner can amuse and occupy themselves without thought. However when there is financial struggle; when simply paying a mortgage payment or buying food is the issue, then that becomes a pressure cooker that knows no limits. When both partners have reasonable amounts of self-love and personal confidence, while difficult, these times can be tempered with discussion, planning, and a little bit of trust and hope.

Kids

Like many other things in life, kids become a distraction away from your relationship. While distractions are natural and expected, for your relation to remain successful, distractions must be managed. The insidious relationship challenge that comes with raising children is the inner desire to improve on oneself through offspring. We all have made mistakes and fallen short of expectations. Yet, within a healthy person’s psyche is the desire for their offspring to do better then they did. When this desire becomes obsessive and all consuming and all energy goes into the children, there is absolutely nothing left for the spouse or partner. It is very unhealthy for a parent to get so wrapped up in their child that they (a) no longer have their own life to lead and (b) are unwilling or unable to freely give to their partner. A healthy, self-loving, and confident person realizes that raising children is a semi-temporary job. Kids need 18 years of intense guidance and then a lifetime of parental nagging. It is important to realize that one day (hopefully) the kids will be out of the house and you can once again romp naked to your heart’s content. And if you have done a good job in keeping your relationship healthy, you’ll get to romp naked, non-solo.

Getting the Sex You Want

In the final analysis, if you want more sex—first love yourself just the right amount and have the confidence to give freely to your partner; that which you know they need. Do it with out being emotionally threatened. Then offer clear and concise communication as to your needs. Create a safe environment where your partner can do the same and enjoy heavenly bliss—until of course you have to do the above again. And I assure you, you will—it’s a journey rather than a destination. Please enjoy the fruits of your harvest responsibly…

Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It

With St. Patrick’s Day peaking around the corner, I thought it prudent to share a story from just a couple years back. My wife, Regina, and I were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish friend’s house who actually built an authentic Irish pub in his home. Driving to the party, Regina offered to be the designated driver—allowing me the freedom to really get into the mood.

At the Party

It’s about an hour into the party and I’m sitting at the bar in my friend’s home pub enjoying some of his fine Irish whiskey. Regina strolls over to the bar, quite happy, with newly discovered green jell-o shooters in hand; telling us how much she was enjoying them. At that moment, I realized that our plans had changed. I looked at my buddy, he looked at me, and I stated quietly to him, “I’m done drinking for the evening.”

Wisdom with Age

In earlier times, I most likely would have gotten very angry at Regina for not keeping her word about being the designated driver. Over the years, I’ve learned that stuff happens and to just get over it. What about you? While this is a timely St. Patrick’s Day party example, the bigger issue is learning to accept that things change, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. There are much more important issues to discuss, debate, and even argue about than designated driver. Regina was having a wonderful time so why in the world would I want to rob her of the experience?

Things Will Change

The longer you are in a relationship the more you realize that what is dependable is that things are in a constant flux. You can either fight it or go with it. So what if your partner changes his or her mind—like you have never done the same thing? Realize also, that I’m not talking about a passive-aggressive partner that agrees now to avoid conflict and then disagrees later. I’m simply saying that one needs to be flexible enough to absorb situations where your partner, in the moment, honestly changes their mind.

My suggestion is that you keep this idea close to your heart: Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It.