Holiday Relationship Success

During the traditional Christian holiday season; Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year—there are some honest relationship challenges. Let’s start with the relative from Hell, you know who I talking about. You would rather crawl on your hands and knees over 5 miles of broken glass than to see them yet another holiday. And to make the situation even more excruciating, this relative from Hell is an in-law.

Dealing with the Relative from Hell
In this dynamic you have two competing goals; first you want to respect your sweetie and in turn show respect for his/her relatives. Second, you want to maintain your sanity throughout the holiday season. I believe both are possible by slightly shifting your view of this nasty relative. Big problem folks generally are very small persons inside. You really do already know that this, pain in the rear, relative truly does have huge self-esteem issues so that knowledge should make it just a bit easier for you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.”

I realize that sometimes just being in the same room as this person makes you want to puke, however for the sake of your sweetie, your family, and yourself; shift your view. Two tactics that will help you survive the encounter; consume less alcohol and ask plenty of questions. You might be thinking, come on Ed, I need a bottle of “Jack” just to be in the same room with this person. No you do not; what you need is to moderate your alcohol consumption so you can “control” the situation.

You control the evening by either sitting in the corner with an honest and joyous smile—controlling your emotion or you “control” the other person with questions. Keep them talking, show a modicum of interest and internally enjoy the folly of their idiocy; but keep the enjoyment to yourself. Additionally, since you have made reasonable relationship deposits with this relative from Hell, when their idiocy just becomes intolerable, send them on a different course with an intelligent (and appearing honest) question. Pre-plan these questions before the visit and you’ll be ready. Taking this approach will truly help you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.”

Spouse Holiday Expectations
Trust me on this one; if you have never asked your honey about his/her holiday traditions and current expectations—you have got a problem. Too frequently each member of a “couple” will think they are doing what the other wants but in reality they are not. This dynamic just breeds contempt.

You will have honest issues such as which relatives do we visit when. This is an area where both have to be flexible and tolerant toward the needs of the other. Talk about your plans sincerely and each partner must be both honest in your expectations and tolerant of the needs of your partner. Do this and there will be a happy middle ground.

Enjoy the Holidays
Why do you run yourself ragged in an effort to create the “Martha Stewart” holiday experience? This kind of holiday experience only focuses on the external. While there is nothing wrong with having a festive holiday environment; it should be more about the relationships than the trimmings.

Give of yourself; this can be even more seductive than the giving of bobbles and brands. Save some money and running around this holiday by giving your special someone a coupon book filled with acts of personal kindness. Be creative and seductive—you will be amazed with the response you receive from your honey.

During holiday gatherings be “mentally and emotionally present” and enjoy the fellowship of your family and friends—even the relative from Hell. Yes, there will be traffic and people driving that must have purchased their driver’s license from the Internet. However, all of that “stuff” is simply the “dust in the conduit” of getting from where you are to where you want to be.

Just in case you are wondering about me—I am blessed with fabulous parents-in-law—I look forward to their visits. And since my wife emigrated with her parents from Austria when she was young, none of her other relatives live here in America. Now, talking about some of my relatives; that’s another story.

Surviving Under the Sheets

If your romantic relationship is based solely on sex, it can be guaranteed that it will not survive the long-term. If your romantic relationship is sex-less, it also will not survive. There has to be a middle ground!

How you perceive your partner has a lot to do with the amount of sex there will be in a relationship. What I mean to say is this—there is a very fine line between love and hate. Add to that, the fact that there is a massive valley between either love or hate and apathy, things can get quite confusing.

With love there is sex, and with hate there is not; and unfortunately, this could easily depend upon how the day’s conversations end. With apathy on the other hand, there generally is very little sex, if any. There is generally nothing.

Which Emotion Should You Fear Most?

I believe that apathy is the emotion that you should fear most. With apathy, your partner really doesn’t give a rat’s behind about you, your feelings, or your needs. While you might get a sympathy boink once in a while, it will be rare.

Apathy can be caused by a number of things but I believe the most frequent cause is a partner just giving up and giving in. Passive aggressive has a meaning here. They give in but exert their power by withholding that which you need, want, and desire—intimacy. This is where you’ll generally find your sex-based relationship a few years down the road.

Love and Hate

Both love and hate are very strong emotions, with the line between frequently blurred. The emotion of hate will more often than not emanate from love gone wrong or neglected. Love neglected for an extended period of time creates a negative perspective and will eventually morph from hate into apathy. In order to keep the love emotion alive and healthy, that emotion needs to be continually fed. Any living organism will eventually die without nourishment—and so goes the living emotion of love.

If you live for too long exclusively on the questionably valuable nourishment of fast food restaurants you will eventually become obese or have health problems—that is an undeniable fact! So goes the nourishment of the love emotion—take your relationship for granted too long and it will surely experience health problems.

Nourishing the Love Emotion

In order to nourish the love emotion within your partner you will need to fulfill their need for intimacy; and that does not exclusively mean sex. Intimacy needs can manifest in a number of forms beyond sex—openness, respect, and tolerance just to mention a few. The challenge is to learn what the true needs of your partner are and to work to fulfill their needs in the way they need them fulfilled. Men have a tendency to fall down in the areas of openness and respect; while women frequently have the challenge of tolerance.

In an honest attempt to fulfill the love nourishment needs of your partner, the simplest mechanism to use is just to ask. Now I know this can be difficult as various pathologies and old mental tapes can get in the way of equally honest responses, however it is the place to start. Conversely, if a partner is not getting what they need from their relationship, they are equally accountable to verbally request that their needs be fulfilled.

Asking for What You Want

How in the world do you expect to get what you want from your partner or others for that matter, if you don’t ask? There is an art to asking for what you want. One way to do it is to be straight forward—sometimes yielding less than desirable results. However if you can directly ask in a sincere manner, you have a better chance for success.

Hinting is not asking—I repeat, HINTING IS NOT ASKING. Period!

Asking in a way that your partner sees a benefit to themselves could be considered by some as a bit Machiavellian, however I consider it just good sense. Think about it—if you can help your partner to get what they want; doesn’t it stand to reason that they will be more likely to help you to get what you want? Sure, there are a number of issues that can become road blocks here (some discussed above) but the simplest common denominator is that we all want to be loved and respected by our partner. If you do not ask well, you will not get. If you do not get what you need in your relationship, you will eventually fall into hate, and then at some point into apathy.

The middle ground is a place where both partners are regularly exhibiting love and respect for one another and working hard to help their partner get what they need from the relationship, keeping in mind that they too, need to receive.

Who Cares About the Small Stuff

If you have been in a relationship for any length of time, I'm talking to you. Tell me the truth, do you let the small stuff, your partner's imperfections, get to you? I cannot tell you how many times I have been guilty of this--yes, I admit it. Interestingly, if you let this happen, your sweetie will never be able to meet YOUR expectations.

Try this over the weekend:
You do want to reduce conflict at home don't you? If so, every time you catch yourself starting to feel even the slightest amount of anger toward your partner because of some stupid little thing they did, or did not do, or said, or did not say--think back to when you first got together. There was something about that person's behavior that grabbed at your heart. I bet you, those behaviors were part of why you fell in love with your partner, or at the least were attracted to them.

Go back in time:
In your head, see, hear, and feel what it was about this person that you so appreciated. Connect to that vision, sound, or feeling. Do this and the small stuff will become inconsequential. When the small irritations are no longer irritations, piece and calm can come over the household--opening the door to renewed passion and excitement.

Have some fun:
Yes, we get so wrapped up in our daily routine that we forget to go out for an evening of frivolity, romance, or whatever floats your boats. If you do not break the cycle, boredom is sure to follow. And the cycle starts again, all the little things will again drive you crazy! Happy loving...enjoy your partner this weekend. -Ed Rigsbee

Accepting a Compliment

Has this ever happened? A friend compliments you on your clothing and you say, This old thing? Rather than accept the compliment, you diminish your friend's attempt to show they care and offer you future compliments. Even if the outfit is in fact old, you could just as easily have said, Thanks, it is quite old but one of my favorites. The result? The other person would be able to feel good about what they said, as well as you would have.

What's Wrong With Accepting a Compliment?
In my opinion, one should always graciously accept a compliment form another. Gosh, why not? When you refuse to accept compliments, you are really telling others they are WRONG and INSIGNIFICANT--bummer! People that (now don't get mad) refuse to accept compliments generally suffer from low self-esteem. Okay, so I said it. The important idea here is this: if you allow yourself to play in a place of low self-esteem, how great of a romantic partner will you be?

Take the Compliment and Smile
Show that person, that matters to you, that you are worthy of a serious relationship by gladly accepting their compliments--and not trying to read needless chatter into those compliments. Accepting compliments will also help a person to grow emotionally. For many, accepting compliments is not easy--I'll give you that. However, it is time to leave your place of comfort and grow. Stretch yourself by accepting all complements with a smile and a simple, Thank you. Do this and everyone around you will be happier.