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My wife, Regina, and I just returned from Boston where we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary and spent several days playing tourist. For our 30th, I surprised her with a trip to Honolulu, of which she had no knowledge until I told her the day before we left. This time I asked her where she wanted to go and she selected Boston.
Now that our sons are grown, we tend to do most of our traveling around my speaking engagements but this trip was different—no agenda, no worrying about clients—just enjoying the role of being tourists. We really did have a wonderful time with one another, walking ourselves to death in Boston and its environs.
While we have had our rocky times, which are truly unavoidable, we still like each other and enjoy each other’s company. Long-term relationships are about give and take, about helping the other to grow, and about recognizing that the other will never be perfect—God knows—I’ve written before about my own control freak tendencies.
Ultimately, in building a fulfilling long-term relationship, each participant has to be willing to receive, give, and help the other to improve—I didn’t say shove improvement down their throat. Rather, each has to be there for the other, especially in your partner’s time of weakness or vulnerability to extend a helping hand. It is rare that both will grow at the same pace, so the “more growth” partner must understand and accept their role until the tide has turned—and it will.
The important question is this; In addition to being lovers, are you also friends?
Are You Oblivious to the Clues?
One of my favorite cartoons says it all. Visualize the husband, with kind of a duh look on his face coming home, as he opens the door to enter--a spear slams into the door. The caption reads, "While Jim though their argument was settled at breakfast, Sally still has some unresolved issues."
Honestly, don't you feel this way about your sweetie sometimes? Sure you do. So what's a person to do--give up? Let's face it you really do know if your communication is being received, it is just easier to stay in your comfort zone and be oblivious--and yes, this goes for both guys & gals.
What Are You Really Trying To Say?
Communication is an interesting phenomenon, there is the sender and there is the receiver--and rarely does the exact message sent get received in accordance with the sender. Nothing new here--sure, I know. However, the real issue is do you give a rat's ass about the other? If you do, you'll go to the effort to get them to feed back what you sent so you can determine if the message was received anywhere close to what was intended.
In today's hurry, hurry, hurry, world--communication truly suffers. Decide to be part of the solution rather than the problem and take the time to be certain of how your communication is received--otherwise you'll be like Jim in the cartoon with the duh look on your face, never quite understanding why your sweetie is ticked off.
Danielle Miller recently posted an answer to "need verses want" on my Facebook Relationship Glue Group wall. She stated, "I think a 'needy' person can have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, but it involves them being aware of their "neediness" and making an effort to really look at themselves and find out why they are needy."
Let's talk about needy people. And while on the subject let's cover clingy people also.
Needy People
If you are the kind of person afflicted with the "Savior Complex" then a needy person is your saving grace. You can do for them and feel good about yourself...until...they heal and no longer need you. Then the relationship is over. For the needy person, he or she will hang around AS LONG AS ALL THEIR NEEDS ARE BEING MET. Danielle makes a great point that alludes to needy people being aware of their neediness. However, I'm not convinced that they can overcome their pathology...and I could be wrong. I'm a control freak, I know it, I try to overcome it, and yet frequently its ugly head pop up when least expected.
My guess is that I manage my controlling nature rather than overcome it. If you know you are needy, you have a lot of work to do if you desire a mutually beneficial relationship. Try fulfilling your neediness by DOING for your special someone. Take that "hole" and fill it with activity that serves your spouse in the method they prefer to be served and your need to be loved, nurtured, and appreciated will be fulfilled.
Clingy People
Needy people are frequently also clingy people. To most clingy equals suffocation. Control freaks like me can also be clingy, just ask my wife (and I've been working on it for 35 years). For clingy and needy people, if you can (metaphorically) hold your special someone to you like you'd hold a fencing foil or a bird; just tight enough not to lose it, but not so tight that you strangle the life out of it--you have a chance. The idea is the science; the art is in the implementation of the idea. Happy loving,
