Relationship Glue

Joan Tezak Commenting on Ed Rigsbee

2011-01-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

Survive Your Relatives; Holiday Checklist

2010-12-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

When Uncle Abe or Aunt Agnes tells the same old story they tell every year, remember to smile and say, “I do so enjoy your retelling of that story.”
When mother/father-in-law tells you, for the 734^th time, that you are doing (you fill in the blank) wrong. Smile and say, “It would be a huge help to me if you could take over (you fill in the blank).” That would allow me to focus more on… (you fill in the blank)
I know your spouse’s sibling’s kids drive you crazy. They are ill-mannered, rude, sloppy little pigs. And your point is? Come on, you know what to do. Put anything remotely of value in the closet for their visit. Scotchguard® your carpet and set up an appointment for the carpet cleaners to come after the holidays. And remember, when you were a kid, you might not have been perfect either. The adrenaline level of kids during the holidays peaks to all time highs. Make sure you have some activities planned to help them drain some of the hyper-energy.
Your sweetie is just as stressed as you are during the holidays, especially if it is their relatives coming for a visit. Do your best to give them space, support, and understanding as they attempt to juggle the impossible—all of them, and you!
Gift receiving can be sticky so…look admiringly at that awful tie or ugly night gown and remember that you can always donate it to the Goodwill. Give the giver your gift of graciousness and appreciation, no matter how repugnant the gift.
Remember that holiday coping mechanisms are not proof positive that you are a passive-aggressive doormat, but rather a nice gesture to help everyone enjoy the holidays together. I have a brother-in-law that I love and respect. Yet, there is no counter point discussion possible with him. Things are fine as long as I understand his perspective, and agree. Guess what? I get to travel the world, and organizations all around the globe pay me to share my perspective. So really, smiling and giving this man an audience is truly no big deal. I’ll admit, I thought much differently when I was younger. A smile and a bit of tolerance will go a long way in making your holidays bright.

Yearning for Attention

2010-09-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

I was recently reading T. Harv Eker’s book titled, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind and stumbled across this passage, “Believe me, it is virtually impossible to be truly happy and successful when you’re yearning for attention.”

The subject of seeking attention is quite a good one. Seeking attention is generally attributed to deficiencies in self-esteem, with need being a close second. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with seeking love and nourishment from another human being—quite the contrary. Giving and receiving love is the ultimate human gift.

What about seeking attention for the wrong reasons…like the need to shore up missing aspects for your life and being? One could make a darn good argument that this passage refers to behavior and/or personality.

For a healthy relationship to succeed, both partners must to the best job possible in the area of self improvement and self fulfillment. The troubles arise when one partner expects the other to “complete” them in the area of personality deficits.

Help your partner to grow, help your partner to understand, and help your partner to be their own complete person. Complete and emotionally healthy persons have the capacity to give lovingly to their partner—and receive. Can this be you?

Overcome Relationship Road Blocks

2010-04-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Great personal and romantic relationships are hard enough, without putting your head in the sand in dealing with some of the basic road blocks to successful relationships. If you are looking toward long-term relationship success, keeping an eye open as to some of the basic road blocks is a superior success strategy.

Hidden Agendas

When another intentionally sets a plan in motion to purposefully deceive you, it is near impossible to detect—or is it? The key here is being open to the typical relationship red flags that many ignore; internal and external. Rather than justify your partner’s actions early on, scrutinize them. Sure it is difficult to love and to scrutinize at the same time, however it is entirely possible. Choose not to be blinded or smitten, as these qualities are frequently a formula for disaster. Go into relationships with an open mind and heart—and an automatic protection mechanism—one that enables you to see reality as opposed to fantasy.

Unrealistic Expectations

Is there such thing as a Prince Charming, Snow White, or Cinderella? It is rare that one person embodies all things wonderful and none objectionable. Too many men and women have waited a lifetime for that perfect mate and missed out on a lifetime of nurturing and rewarding relationships. It is realistic to expect that many of your needs will be met in a romantic relationship, but unrealistic to expect that every single whim will be received with, “Your wish is my command.”

Unfulfilled Needs

With what I have stated above, this is a difficult and sensitive issue. While every romantic and relationship impulse may not be fulfilled by your partner at the spontaneity you desire, it is nonetheless very important that you stand up for, and return; respect, courtesy, and love in your relationship. How that washes out is; you had better get really, really, good at asking for what you want. You also must get really, really, good in asking in a way that your partner responds positively. Unfulfilled basic needs are what will eventually create a wondering heart. If you love and respect your partner, then you will be courteous in response to their needs, and vice versa.

Dreadful Communication

Communication is the foundation for either a successful relationship, or a failed one—it just depends on how well you communicate. Code words, jargon, and hidden meanings will not serve you, or your partner—unless of course both totally understand the various meanings in all situations. Think that’s possible? Words have meaning! Be clear on what you say, how you say it, and in a way that your partner will completely understand your intended meaning. Hinting is not communicating! Expecting the other “to understand” is not communicating. Expecting your partner to read your mind is also NOT communicating. Communicating is, eyeball to eyeball, using simple and clearly understood language—expressing what’s on your mind with understanding as your intent—not cryptically stinging under your breath.

If your subliminal intention in communication is to understand and be understood, you will have a much better chance of success. Too frequently people try to accomplish two things in their communication; get what they want and manipulate others. Perhaps that’s fine in a hardball selling situation but it is not fine in romantic relationships. Be the communication, live the communication, and respect the communication of others—this will go a long way in eliminating dreadful communication.

I grant you that overcoming relationship road blocks is not always easy, but grant me this: it is always worth it, if the person is worth it.

Resurrecting Your Relationship

2010-04-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

What better time than Easter is there to resurrect your damaged relationship?

Some believe that resurrection is possible and some do not. Easter has traditionally been the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. Historically we know he died because one of the Roman soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear to ensure his death. Some of his disciples then buried his body in a new tomb; sealed and guarded by order of Pilate. On Easter morning some women and apostles went to Jesus' tomb, expecting to find his body. However, the tomb was empty, and the angel at the tomb told them, "He is not here; he has risen!"

My question for you today is not religious but secular. Do you believe that it is possible to resurrect your dead or dyeing relationship? The answer to this question is the core.

The Glass Egg

In the late 1980s I experienced the Lifespring seminars, which were a byproduct of the earlier EST movement. While the seminars were intense and time consuming, I still value the experience to this day. Upon graduation from my advanced class, my group leader, Nancy Morris, gave each member of the group a glass egg. The egg was to symbolize, resulting from the experience, my rebirth as a human being. For over 20 years that egg has sat on a bookshelf in my office as a reminder.

To many, Easter also represents the welcoming of spring time, and the compulsory spring cleaning. During spring cleaning most cast off needless possessions and the dirt and grime accumulated over winter—but what about in your head? Might you be clinging to useless old mental conversations about loved ones?

Emotional Spring Cleaning

How about making tomorrow, Easter 2010, your mental and emotional spring cleaning day? Perhaps Easter holds for you an ingrained religious experience? If so, embrace your beliefs—and also cast off your erroneous relationship issues!

I will admit that in the human relationship dynamic; when one wants a negative result and one wants a positive result, the negative generally wins. Yet, when two persons have been emotionally wounded by one another, there is still room for relationship resurrection.

1. The first step is to reconnect with early feelings of love or emotional attachment.

2. The second step is to remember what it was about the other that you found attractive.

3. The third, fourth, and fifth steps are to communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Cast Off

Cast off your emotional junk for Easter 2010 and talk. Please do not talk about all the hurt and pain; you’ve already discussed that over and over and over with your friends. Rather, talk about the possibility, about rebuilding trust, about moving forward. If the other person was good enough to hook up with in the first place, might they still be good enough for you to keep?

So You Want More Sex?

2010-03-13T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sex is one of the “Big Three” in romantic relationship demise. I refer the three as the “Relationship Failure Triad.” I’m talking about sex, money, and kids. These three elements are at the near-core of most relationship malfunctions. Before I get to the triad, the core is love-of-self; either too much or too little.

At the Core—Love of Self

Let’s take it to the core then deal with the surface issues. Self-love is arguably at the core of all relationship collapse or success. If you do not love yourself enough you will accept a lousy partner from the beginning and the relationship is sure to fail. If you love yourself too much, then you are the lousy partner. To make any relationship work each partner has to be confident in his or herself enough to both freely give and expect to freely receive. Conversely, when two people have a healthy amount of self-love they are naturally willing to do the work necessary to develop, implement, and maintain healthy long-term relationships. For divorcees, self-love is generally the area of most needed attention.

Sex

In only the rarest of cases can a romantic relationship be built without the cornerstone of fulfilling sex—you can take that to the bank! I say fulfilling because being docile, is light years away from active participative. Sure, there are times when either partner might just go through the motions because of some situation that is using up all their mental capacity, and that cannot be a regular thing. Yes, there will be times when you are not interested but acknowledge the importance of giving your partner that which you know they need. No sex, lousy sex, and resentful sex; will not sustain a relationship. However, participative sex will. If you allow it to be, the simple act of giving your partner what you know they need, can truly be a turn on.

Money

You’ve heard the old adage; Money is the root of all evil. Perhaps it is—but I believe it is the love and pursuit of money and power, which causes the real problems. Just having money is not the problem. Not having money, on the other hand, can be an irretrievable anchor causing irreparable relationship harm. When money is freely available, either partner can amuse and occupy themselves without thought. However when there is financial struggle; when simply paying a mortgage payment or buying food is the issue, then that becomes a pressure cooker that knows no limits. When both partners have reasonable amounts of self-love and personal confidence, while difficult, these times can be tempered with discussion, planning, and a little bit of trust and hope.

Kids

Like many other things in life, kids become a distraction away from your relationship. While distractions are natural and expected, for your relation to remain successful, distractions must be managed. The insidious relationship challenge that comes with raising children is the inner desire to improve on oneself through offspring. We all have made mistakes and fallen short of expectations. Yet, within a healthy person’s psyche is the desire for their offspring to do better then they did. When this desire becomes obsessive and all consuming and all energy goes into the children, there is absolutely nothing left for the spouse or partner. It is very unhealthy for a parent to get so wrapped up in their child that they (a) no longer have their own life to lead and (b) are unwilling or unable to freely give to their partner. A healthy, self-loving, and confident person realizes that raising children is a semi-temporary job. Kids need 18 years of intense guidance and then a lifetime of parental nagging. It is important to realize that one day (hopefully) the kids will be out of the house and you can once again romp naked to your heart’s content. And if you have done a good job in keeping your relationship healthy, you’ll get to romp naked, non-solo.

Getting the Sex You Want

In the final analysis, if you want more sex—first love yourself just the right amount and have the confidence to give freely to your partner; that which you know they need. Do it with out being emotionally threatened. Then offer clear and concise communication as to your needs. Create a safe environment where your partner can do the same and enjoy heavenly bliss—until of course you have to do the above again. And I assure you, you will—it’s a journey rather than a destination. Please enjoy the fruits of your harvest responsibly…

Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It

2010-03-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

With St. Patrick’s Day peaking around the corner, I thought it prudent to share a story from just a couple years back. My wife, Regina, and I were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish friend’s house who actually built an authentic Irish pub in his home. Driving to the party, Regina offered to be the designated driver—allowing me the freedom to really get into the mood.

At the Party

It’s about an hour into the party and I’m sitting at the bar in my friend’s home pub enjoying some of his fine Irish whiskey. Regina strolls over to the bar, quite happy, with newly discovered green jell-o shooters in hand; telling us how much she was enjoying them. At that moment, I realized that our plans had changed. I looked at my buddy, he looked at me, and I stated quietly to him, “I’m done drinking for the evening.”

Wisdom with Age

In earlier times, I most likely would have gotten very angry at Regina for not keeping her word about being the designated driver. Over the years, I’ve learned that stuff happens and to just get over it. What about you? While this is a timely St. Patrick’s Day party example, the bigger issue is learning to accept that things change, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. There are much more important issues to discuss, debate, and even argue about than designated driver. Regina was having a wonderful time so why in the world would I want to rob her of the experience?

Things Will Change

The longer you are in a relationship the more you realize that what is dependable is that things are in a constant flux. You can either fight it or go with it. So what if your partner changes his or her mind—like you have never done the same thing? Realize also, that I’m not talking about a passive-aggressive partner that agrees now to avoid conflict and then disagrees later. I’m simply saying that one needs to be flexible enough to absorb situations where your partner, in the moment, honestly changes their mind.

My suggestion is that you keep this idea close to your heart: Plans Change — Stuff Happens — Get Over It.

My Relationship; Am I Paying Attention or Off the Mark?

2010-02-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

You’ve been there, you know what I’m talking about; your special someone just will not open up and tell you why they appear not to be themselves—so you think. This is a hugely difficult dynamic. You ask yourself, “Do I push for answers, or just keep quiet?”

Is it Real?

How do you know if there really is a problem? It seems as such; their behavior has changed just slightly. They’re just not quite as attentive as usual. Sure, it could be you, or it could be something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. How do you know? Just how pushy should you be in attempting to discover if there really is an issue?

Living in Oblivion

For years, I have used a cartoon in my seminars to make the point of male cluelessness. Visualize the picture; upon entering the house, still at the front door, a spear hits the door inches from his head. The caption reads, “Although he thought their argument had been settled at breakfast, Jim sensed that Sally had some unresolved issues.” So the challenge becomes living one’s life, skating on thin ice—ice that is really a continuum that stretches between oblivious and aggressive. The fact is…you are going to fall on that hard ice once in a while.

It’s Not Easy

To illustrate how difficult this dynamic really is—I’ve been married for 35 years to the same woman, and I frequently still get it wrong. Sometimes I’m oblivious when I should be attentive and then other times I’m pushy when I should let things be. But, there is hope in communication; keep talking. Through sympathy, empathy, and compassion in conversation, you have your best chance of determining if it was you that screwed up or if your partner is simply dealing with some stuff that does not concern you.

Relationship Resolution

The truth will set you free, if your partner will just share it with you. First, in human relationships, I believe it is better to ask too may questions as opposed to not enough. With that said, it is also prudent not to be a pain in the neck. Yet, if we take a lesson from children, when they want something they are relentless in asking. Blending both ideas; be gentle but keep the communication going. Keep seeking answers, and do it from different perspectives. Do not keep asking the same question, but shift how you ask to broach the subject through different windows.

Let’s take a lesson from my old boss. In the mid-1970s, I was in outside sales and worked for a gentleman by the name of Ray Kahn. He told me, numerous times, if you make a mistake and lose an account, no problem. However, if you lose an account because you were not paying attention—I don’t need you. I witnessed Ray firing a salesman, Mike, for losing a major account because he was simply not paying attention. Whatever you do, don’t lose your partner in life because you were asleep at the wheel. -Ed Rigsbee

The Valentine’s Day Dilemma

2010-02-12T18:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, that day is just about here; while Valentine’s Day should represent one’s love, commitment, and devotion to their spouse, partner, or significant other—it all too frequently represents several days of pre-Valentine’s Day internal conflict. Are you driving yourself crazy on what to do for your special someone? You are? Why do you do that? I frequently do it too—stop it!

Guys, you want to be a hero with your Valentine’s Day offering as opposed to being the baboon that has sometimes plagued you over the years. You want to deliver an offering to your special someone that will give her bragging rights about the gift and demonstrate your caring manner. In this economic time perhaps an expensive gift is just not an option?

Gals, you want to be appreciated and do not want another lame last minute gift that shows zero thought and preparation.

What’s a person to do? There is a real Valentine’s dilemma; spending lots of money as opposed to spending lots of preparation time in creating a very personal gift. I like to write poetry for my wife. While I not really good at it, she appreciates my effort.

In this poor economy, and in many circles, it is cool to be frugal. Spend lots of money at Macy’s or Nordstrom if you wish—however, I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that your Valentine is more interested in you then they are your gift. Your Valentine will be ecstatic if you put time, thought, and innovation into your Valentine’s Day offering.

Remember, it is you that your Valentine wants.

Wishing you much enjoyment on Valentine’s Day, -Ed

Stop the Insanity--Build Outrageously Successful Relationships at Home and Work

2010-01-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

Relationship conflict—I’ll take much less, thank you. Isn’t that what most people generally say? However, are your actions and words consistent? Wow, do I have your attention now? Let’s face it; everyone wants a reasonable return on their relationship investment (ROI). In order to receive any return, investment is the first important secret. Just how much investment have you made lately?

Relationship Investments

Be honest now; have your relationship investments just been the bare minimum to get the return that you want? If so, you know that you are not leaving any room for error, and we all error sometimes. By not leaving any margin for error, you can be assured of conflict sooner, than later. What I’m suggesting is that you re-evaluate your relationship investment strategy and embrace the idea of frequent relationship bank deposits. Build up a relationship contingency account for those times when you screw up—because you know you are going to screw up sometime.

Lose the Blinders and Focus on Others

When you only keep your focus on your needs, you can be assured that everyone else notices, especially the people that are important to you. So what’s a person with needs to do? The simple answer is to give, give, and give again. The more complex answer is for you to figure out what really matters to the persons in your life, which you care about and try to help them get what they need. Reciprocity is a wonderful and mysterious truth. When you help others to get what they need and want, they will experience a continual nagging feeling of loyalty, beholding, and allegiance toward you. While you can assign any name you want to this dynamic, it is nonetheless real. Lean into the idea and you’ll repeatedly be amazed at how it benefits you.

It’s Okay to be Healthily Selfish

Yes, I’ll admit it—this is my personal Achilles heal in life. Recently, a friend for whom I have enormous respect, Alan Weiss, told me, “Ed, you have to be much more healthily selfish in regards to your professional life.” He did not tell me to be more narcissistic, but rather not to forget about making sure that I receive value for my knowledge, effort, and results in helping others. I believe that there is a huge difference between the two; most people are weary of the narcissistic person while sub-consciously drawn to the healthily selfish person. When you are self-absorbed, few desire to be around you. However, when you are an active player in life, you become a magnet ROI.

Look for Every Opportunity to Serve Others

This is where the convergence of the above occurs. When you have a healthy mindset, great self-esteem and confidence, and truly desire to make relationship investments; this is the mental playground for developing outrageously successful relationships. I have preached from the podium, for over two decades, that partnerships, alliances, and relationships must be a two-way conduit for value delivery. I have admonished audiences around the world that they have both give value and receive value in order for any kind of a relationship to continue in the long-term. I truly believe that you have to give first. Why is this so? Because you were the person smart enough to figure it out—that’s why. And this is why I repeatedly state, “Look for every opportunity to serve others.” Do more than just look; find those opportunities and act on them. It is the correct action that delivers outrageously successful relationships.

Appreciativeness; It’s a Good Thing

2010-01-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

Appreciating others is something we need to keep in the forefront of our thinking. While showing that appreciation can sometimes be elusive; personal awareness of the challenge goes a long way toward the resolution. Everyone wants relationship ROI; in order to get, you must give.

Friends Sharing

One of the things that I love about speaking professionally is that I get to meet, and keep in touch with, great folks from all around the world. The president of a good sized contracting company from South Carolina recently sent me this story suggesting that it went along with advice that I offered at his industry’s recent annual meeting:

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, and sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

Admit Guilt

Culpability is an uncomfortable relative, however like all relatives, must be acknowledged. I, Ed Rigsbee, must admit some personal guilt here. After reading this story, I instantly thought about a comment I recently made to my wife after she overcooked some cornbread muffins one recent morning—my bad! The important thing to keep in mind is that we will all make relationship mistakes; it is inevitable! The question is simply this, “Have you made enough Relationship Bank Deposits to cover your withdrawals?” And trust me; my comment cost me a big time withdrawal.

Be Mindful and Keep Perspective

The story above, in my opinion, illustrates appreciativeness at its best. Do (we, you, I) appreciate all the large and small things that our special someone does for us—even the effort and the intent? This is something of which to be always mindful.

Another important element in this story is that the husband kept things in perspective. When you think about it, a crusty biscuit really is no big deal. However, opening one’s mouth in the situation could be. By putting the situation in perspective, realizing the wife’s exhaustion and intent, even when the implementation was not as successful as usual—the intent is really what mattered. The wife made the effort! How many times in your relationship have you failed to even make an effort? I sure know I’m guilty in this area.

I truly believe that appreciativeness of others can bridge many deep relationship valleys and help to climb difficult relationship peaks. Make your Relationship Bank Deposits today.

Is Sex the Glue to a Relationship?

2010-01-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

This question gets asked quite frequently; is sex the glue to a relationship? If you are 20 and are experiencing raging hormones, you would most likely answer; absolutely! However, if you are 60 your answer might be something like; sure it is important but not the kind of glue that holds relationships together for the long-term.

Sex and Glue Tact-ability

Glues have varying adhesion factors. I like to use Gorilla Glue for my wood working projects because it is both water proof and holds forever. However the glue that 3M uses on their Post-it Notes is very different as it has a very low adhesive factor. If sex is like relationship glue, then which glue is it—the stuff that sticks forever or that lets go at the slightest tug?

Sex as the Mitigating Factor

Sex is an age appropriate relationship glue; more on the onset and less in the long-haul. If you are younger the more important question is one of relationship tenure. If you are in a “fun” relationship and you have no expectations of the relationship’s long-term viability, then yes—sex is glue. And, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, sex is an important mitigating factor. While the relationship will most likely fail without sex, you must realize that sex will not bind a misfit relationship forever. Sex as “glue” will only last so long.

Relationship Gorilla Glue

The true glue that binds any relationship is trust, courtesy, and mutual-respect—aka, love. Without these elements, even porn-star quality sex will only take you so far. The novelty will wear off. Conversely, good healthy loving relationships do enjoy sex as one of the success building blocks.

My final vote on sex as the relationship glue: kinda.

Happy loving…

Gift Acceptance for the Benefit of the Giver

2009-12-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

With Christmas upon us, give those you love the gift of appreciation—appreciation for the thought behind their gift giving rather than for the substance of their gift. Call it the fine art of gift acceptance; showing appreciation regardless of the gift. Showing appreciation for their effort is the important thing.

The holidays are a stressful time for many; trying to be the perfect mother, father, husband, wife, daughter, son, etc. can truly drive anyone crazy. Add to that the stress on parents to make this “the most wonderful Christmas” for their kids. And, add to that the current economic climate—is this starting to sound like a formula for disaster? And you wonder why people have such short tempers during the season of giving.

This Christmas, be determined to offer a sincere thank you to every person in your life that cares enough about you to present you with a gift—even if you already have ten just like it. Also, drop the “oh it’s too expensive,” just offer a genuine smile and a heart felt thank you. The gift giver will so appreciative and will be empowered to feel much better about their gift decision.

Do this and your loved ones will love and appreciate you more. Do this and you’ll eliminate one of the most frequent causes of conflict during the holidays. Do this and you’ll be so, so, so glad you did.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas and please, let Christmas 2009 be memorable for all the right reasons.

Ed Rigsbee

Holiday Relationship Success

2009-11-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

During the traditional Christian holiday season; Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year—there are some honest relationship challenges. Let’s start with the relative from Hell, you know who I talking about. You would rather crawl on your hands and knees over 5 miles of broken glass than to see them yet another holiday. And to make the situation even more excruciating, this relative from Hell is an in-law.

Dealing with the Relative from Hell
In this dynamic you have two competing goals; first you want to respect your sweetie and in turn show respect for his/her relatives. Second, you want to maintain your sanity throughout the holiday season. I believe both are possible by slightly shifting your view of this nasty relative. Big problem folks generally are very small persons inside. You really do already know that this, pain in the rear, relative truly does have huge self-esteem issues so that knowledge should make it just a bit easier for you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.”

I realize that sometimes just being in the same room as this person makes you want to puke, however for the sake of your sweetie, your family, and yourself; shift your view. Two tactics that will help you survive the encounter; consume less alcohol and ask plenty of questions. You might be thinking, come on Ed, I need a bottle of “Jack” just to be in the same room with this person. No you do not; what you need is to moderate your alcohol consumption so you can “control” the situation.

You control the evening by either sitting in the corner with an honest and joyous smile—controlling your emotion or you “control” the other person with questions. Keep them talking, show a modicum of interest and internally enjoy the folly of their idiocy; but keep the enjoyment to yourself. Additionally, since you have made reasonable relationship deposits with this relative from Hell, when their idiocy just becomes intolerable, send them on a different course with an intelligent (and appearing honest) question. Pre-plan these questions before the visit and you’ll be ready. Taking this approach will truly help you to exhibit your best “holiday tolerance.”

Spouse Holiday Expectations
Trust me on this one; if you have never asked your honey about his/her holiday traditions and current expectations—you have got a problem. Too frequently each member of a “couple” will think they are doing what the other wants but in reality they are not. This dynamic just breeds contempt.

You will have honest issues such as which relatives do we visit when. This is an area where both have to be flexible and tolerant toward the needs of the other. Talk about your plans sincerely and each partner must be both honest in your expectations and tolerant of the needs of your partner. Do this and there will be a happy middle ground.

Enjoy the Holidays
Why do you run yourself ragged in an effort to create the “Martha Stewart” holiday experience? This kind of holiday experience only focuses on the external. While there is nothing wrong with having a festive holiday environment; it should be more about the relationships than the trimmings.

Give of yourself; this can be even more seductive than the giving of bobbles and brands. Save some money and running around this holiday by giving your special someone a coupon book filled with acts of personal kindness. Be creative and seductive—you will be amazed with the response you receive from your honey.

During holiday gatherings be “mentally and emotionally present” and enjoy the fellowship of your family and friends—even the relative from Hell. Yes, there will be traffic and people driving that must have purchased their driver’s license from the Internet. However, all of that “stuff” is simply the “dust in the conduit” of getting from where you are to where you want to be.

Just in case you are wondering about me—I am blessed with fabulous parents-in-law—I look forward to their visits. And since my wife emigrated with her parents from Austria when she was young, none of her other relatives live here in America. Now, talking about some of my relatives; that’s another story.

Surviving Under the Sheets

2009-11-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

If your romantic relationship is based solely on sex, it can be guaranteed that it will not survive the long-term. If your romantic relationship is sex-less, it also will not survive. There has to be a middle ground!

How you perceive your partner has a lot to do with the amount of sex there will be in a relationship. What I mean to say is this—there is a very fine line between love and hate. Add to that, the fact that there is a massive valley between either love or hate and apathy, things can get quite confusing.

With love there is sex, and with hate there is not; and unfortunately, this could easily depend upon how the day’s conversations end. With apathy on the other hand, there generally is very little sex, if any. There is generally nothing.

Which Emotion Should You Fear Most?

I believe that apathy is the emotion that you should fear most. With apathy, your partner really doesn’t give a rat’s behind about you, your feelings, or your needs. While you might get a sympathy boink once in a while, it will be rare.

Apathy can be caused by a number of things but I believe the most frequent cause is a partner just giving up and giving in. Passive aggressive has a meaning here. They give in but exert their power by withholding that which you need, want, and desire—intimacy. This is where you’ll generally find your sex-based relationship a few years down the road.

Love and Hate

Both love and hate are very strong emotions, with the line between frequently blurred. The emotion of hate will more often than not emanate from love gone wrong or neglected. Love neglected for an extended period of time creates a negative perspective and will eventually morph from hate into apathy. In order to keep the love emotion alive and healthy, that emotion needs to be continually fed. Any living organism will eventually die without nourishment—and so goes the living emotion of love.

If you live for too long exclusively on the questionably valuable nourishment of fast food restaurants you will eventually become obese or have health problems—that is an undeniable fact! So goes the nourishment of the love emotion—take your relationship for granted too long and it will surely experience health problems.

Nourishing the Love Emotion

In order to nourish the love emotion within your partner you will need to fulfill their need for intimacy; and that does not exclusively mean sex. Intimacy needs can manifest in a number of forms beyond sex—openness, respect, and tolerance just to mention a few. The challenge is to learn what the true needs of your partner are and to work to fulfill their needs in the way they need them fulfilled. Men have a tendency to fall down in the areas of openness and respect; while women frequently have the challenge of tolerance.

In an honest attempt to fulfill the love nourishment needs of your partner, the simplest mechanism to use is just to ask. Now I know this can be difficult as various pathologies and old mental tapes can get in the way of equally honest responses, however it is the place to start. Conversely, if a partner is not getting what they need from their relationship, they are equally accountable to verbally request that their needs be fulfilled.

Asking for What You Want

How in the world do you expect to get what you want from your partner or others for that matter, if you don’t ask? There is an art to asking for what you want. One way to do it is to be straight forward—sometimes yielding less than desirable results. However if you can directly ask in a sincere manner, you have a better chance for success.

Hinting is not asking—I repeat, HINTING IS NOT ASKING. Period!

Asking in a way that your partner sees a benefit to themselves could be considered by some as a bit Machiavellian, however I consider it just good sense. Think about it—if you can help your partner to get what they want; doesn’t it stand to reason that they will be more likely to help you to get what you want? Sure, there are a number of issues that can become road blocks here (some discussed above) but the simplest common denominator is that we all want to be loved and respected by our partner. If you do not ask well, you will not get. If you do not get what you need in your relationship, you will eventually fall into hate, and then at some point into apathy.

The middle ground is a place where both partners are regularly exhibiting love and respect for one another and working hard to help their partner get what they need from the relationship, keeping in mind that they too, need to receive.

Who Cares About the Small Stuff

2009-11-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

If you have been in a relationship for any length of time, I'm talking to you. Tell me the truth, do you let the small stuff, your partner's imperfections, get to you? I cannot tell you how many times I have been guilty of this--yes, I admit it. Interestingly, if you let this happen, your sweetie will never be able to meet YOUR expectations.

Try this over the weekend:
You do want to reduce conflict at home don't you? If so, every time you catch yourself starting to feel even the slightest amount of anger toward your partner because of some stupid little thing they did, or did not do, or said, or did not say--think back to when you first got together. There was something about that person's behavior that grabbed at your heart. I bet you, those behaviors were part of why you fell in love with your partner, or at the least were attracted to them.

Go back in time:
In your head, see, hear, and feel what it was about this person that you so appreciated. Connect to that vision, sound, or feeling. Do this and the small stuff will become inconsequential. When the small irritations are no longer irritations, piece and calm can come over the household--opening the door to renewed passion and excitement.

Have some fun:
Yes, we get so wrapped up in our daily routine that we forget to go out for an evening of frivolity, romance, or whatever floats your boats. If you do not break the cycle, boredom is sure to follow. And the cycle starts again, all the little things will again drive you crazy! Happy loving...enjoy your partner this weekend. -Ed Rigsbee

Accepting a Compliment

2009-11-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

Has this ever happened? A friend compliments you on your clothing and you say, This old thing? Rather than accept the compliment, you diminish your friend's attempt to show they care and offer you future compliments. Even if the outfit is in fact old, you could just as easily have said, Thanks, it is quite old but one of my favorites. The result? The other person would be able to feel good about what they said, as well as you would have.

What's Wrong With Accepting a Compliment?
In my opinion, one should always graciously accept a compliment form another. Gosh, why not? When you refuse to accept compliments, you are really telling others they are WRONG and INSIGNIFICANT--bummer! People that (now don't get mad) refuse to accept compliments generally suffer from low self-esteem. Okay, so I said it. The important idea here is this: if you allow yourself to play in a place of low self-esteem, how great of a romantic partner will you be?

Take the Compliment and Smile
Show that person, that matters to you, that you are worthy of a serious relationship by gladly accepting their compliments--and not trying to read needless chatter into those compliments. Accepting compliments will also help a person to grow emotionally. For many, accepting compliments is not easy--I'll give you that. However, it is time to leave your place of comfort and grow. Stretch yourself by accepting all complements with a smile and a simple, Thank you. Do this and everyone around you will be happier.

Lovers…and Friends Too

2009-10-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

My wife, Regina, and I just returned from Boston where we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary and spent several days playing tourist. For our 30th, I surprised her with a trip to Honolulu, of which she had no knowledge until I told her the day before we left. This time I asked her where she wanted to go and she selected Boston.

Now that our sons are grown, we tend to do most of our traveling around my speaking engagements but this trip was different—no agenda, no worrying about clients—just enjoying the role of being tourists. We really did have a wonderful time with one another, walking ourselves to death in Boston and its environs.

While we have had our rocky times, which are truly unavoidable, we still like each other and enjoy each other’s company. Long-term relationships are about give and take, about helping the other to grow, and about recognizing that the other will never be perfect—God knows—I’ve written before about my own control freak tendencies.

Ultimately, in building a fulfilling long-term relationship, each participant has to be willing to receive, give, and help the other to improve—I didn’t say shove improvement down their throat. Rather, each has to be there for the other, especially in your partner’s time of weakness or vulnerability to extend a helping hand. It is rare that both will grow at the same pace, so the “more growth” partner must understand and accept their role until the tide has turned—and it will.

The important question is this; In addition to being lovers, are you also friends?

Speak to be Understood

2009-10-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

Are You Oblivious to the Clues?
One of my favorite cartoons says it all. Visualize the husband, with kind of a duh look on his face coming home, as he opens the door to enter--a spear slams into the door. The caption reads, "While Jim though their argument was settled at breakfast, Sally still has some unresolved issues."

Honestly, don't you feel this way about your sweetie sometimes? Sure you do. So what's a person to do--give up? Let's face it you really do know if your communication is being received, it is just easier to stay in your comfort zone and be oblivious--and yes, this goes for both guys & gals.

What Are You Really Trying To Say?
Communication is an interesting phenomenon, there is the sender and there is the receiver--and rarely does the exact message sent get received in accordance with the sender. Nothing new here--sure, I know. However, the real issue is do you give a rat's ass about the other? If you do, you'll go to the effort to get them to feed back what you sent so you can determine if the message was received anywhere close to what was intended.

In today's hurry, hurry, hurry, world--communication truly suffers. Decide to be part of the solution rather than the problem and take the time to be certain of how your communication is received--otherwise you'll be like Jim in the cartoon with the duh look on your face, never quite understanding why your sweetie is ticked off.

Needy and Clingy People

2009-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Danielle Miller recently posted an answer to "need verses want" on my Facebook Relationship Glue Group wall. She stated, "I think a 'needy' person can have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, but it involves them being aware of their "neediness" and making an effort to really look at themselves and find out why they are needy."

Let's talk about needy people. And while on the subject let's cover clingy people also.

Needy People
If you are the kind of person afflicted with the "Savior Complex" then a needy person is your saving grace. You can do for them and feel good about yourself...until...they heal and no longer need you. Then the relationship is over. For the needy person, he or she will hang around AS LONG AS ALL THEIR NEEDS ARE BEING MET. Danielle makes a great point that alludes to needy people being aware of their neediness. However, I'm not convinced that they can overcome their pathology...and I could be wrong. I'm a control freak, I know it, I try to overcome it, and yet frequently its ugly head pop up when least expected.

My guess is that I manage my controlling nature rather than overcome it. If you know you are needy, you have a lot of work to do if you desire a mutually beneficial relationship. Try fulfilling your neediness by DOING for your special someone. Take that "hole" and fill it with activity that serves your spouse in the method they prefer to be served and your need to be loved, nurtured, and appreciated will be fulfilled.

Clingy People
Needy people are frequently also clingy people. To most clingy equals suffocation. Control freaks like me can also be clingy, just ask my wife (and I've been working on it for 35 years). For clingy and needy people, if you can (metaphorically) hold your special someone to you like you'd hold a fencing foil or a bird; just tight enough not to lose it, but not so tight that you strangle the life out of it--you have a chance. The idea is the science; the art is in the implementation of the idea. Happy loving,

Remember the Little Things

2009-09-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

Obligatory is Just That
Doing something special for your special someone on only the obligatory days is the "table stakes," the minimum to get into the game. What are the obligatory days? Valentine's Day, Birthday, Christmas. All that gifts on those days do is give your special someone "bragging rights." "Look what he/she got for me!" Only doing something on the obligatory days is the domain of Relationship Losers.

The Unexpected Times
This is where you earn real "relationship points." To be a Relationship Winner, you had better work on making relationship points, at the minimum of twice a week--daily is much better. To earn a relationship point, you do not have to spend money, better yet, spend your time. For guys, your unexpected kindness could be as simple as making the bed, getting up first and making the coffee, washing the dishes...actually anything considered "domestic" is a great place to start. Also, for your special someone; write a poem or leave a love note. In this area, there are no rules, just great ideas. For the gals, this is your specialty so I do not need to go into details. However, remember that it is what he wants, not what you want.

Small Gestures Daily
If you can, daily endeavor to offer a small and unexpected gesture of love, respect, and appreciation. These little things will go a long way. Each is another Relationship Bank Deposit that collectively, over time, will add up to a huge relationship nest egg. And trust me, stuff happens, so one day you'll be grateful that you did all the small things.

Don't Listen to the Negative Voices

2009-09-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

In a relationship the negative force generally is victorious over the positive. This "truth" is almost always the case. If one wants the relationship to fail and one wants it to succeed, you can be assured that the relationship will fail. How does it affect you?

Ignore the Negative
I'm not suggesting that you become an ostrich and put your head in the sand but rather suggesting that you limit negativity around you; especially people that are negative on relationships. There is not much value in a sitting around with relationship losers and commiserating about how their partners were schmucks. If you allow this unfiltered negative information to enter your subconscious, you are truly sabotaging your relationship(s). If you unknowingly slip into the negative syndrome, you will surely kill your relationship.

Dealing with a Negative World
Think about it, the modern day media thrives on negative stories and sensationalism. Are you letting their messages reach your subconscious mind unfiltered? Do you leave the television or radio on for background noise? If so, you are allowing all the negativity to reach your mind--unfiltered--stop it! Rather than become a relationship losers yourself, facilitate nurturing, love, and respect in all that you do. And, start by spending less time with your relationship losers friends.

One of the greatest books that made a difference in my life is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. He talked quite a bit about what you feed your mind. He suggested having your goals written and reading them every night before retiring and every morning when rising. He also suggested mental visualization exercises.

Try this, at night before you retire spend a minute or two with your virtual mastermind, persons in your head, living or dead, that you respect their opinion. Ask for relationship guidance of these luminary and let your own subconscious seek answers. This is surely better than using relationship losers for guidance.

Here's the rub for women; if you buy what John Grey says in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (and I do) then you will always be fighting the tendency to solve your relationship problems by committee--asking several of your friends for their advice--and this is an affront to trusting yourself.

Want wonderful relationships? Be careful to whom you listen...

Need that Lovin' Feeling?

2009-09-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

You know that you need that lovin' feeling, but...why aren't you getting it? Perhaps it is because you are only putting out what you want?

Receive What You Send

Come on, let's be honest with one another...can we? If you treat your partner like crap, what do toy expect? But you say, "I'm treating my partner great!" Are you? Your partner's perception is his or her reality. If you are doing things for them (making relationship bank deposits) that they do not see as useful or valuable--guess what? They're not! If you do something for another person that you might like them to do for you; that's nice. But the act is of very little value, if any, to the receiving person. Why? Because you are not doing for them, something that they value. And then you get all pissed off because they are not appreciative of your gesture. Wow, what did you expect?

Ask First, Do Second

Yep, ask your partner what they need, and/or hold as being valuable. Then do that, not what you have been doing. It is simple as that--trust me. But wait! You still think they really like what you like--you've got to get a clue. Their perception is their reality, and there is no way that you will change their reality following your current course. Better, work to develop strategies and tactics that will allow your partner to reveal to you what it is that they really want. Think about it--you have nothing lose.

Wishing you all the best in gettin' that lovin' feeling...Ed

Our Hard-Wiring

2009-09-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, I asked this question of my Facebook friends, "Wondering...what have you done today to elevate your relationships both at home and work? Did you make a Relationship Bank Deposit today?"

A response I enjoyed was:

"My best reply after countless cups of coffee and the entire day off is...to elevate one's own self-awareness is indeed to make the best deposit possible in another's emotional bank! Self-awareness is highly effective in our attempts to be tolerant and accepting of others, regardless of our own agenda or ability to comply."

Our Wiring

Most would agree that women are hard-wired to nurture. However, few would say the same for men. As such, nurturing for men must be learned. Nurturing was generally not part of a boy's elementary and secondary school education. Add the complications of young woman's expectations of young men, and we have plenty of "defective" guys running around out there.

First, nurturing for men tends not to come naturally and takes quite some time to learn. Women, deal with it.

Second, women are accountable to help men learn to nurture--yep, I said it! Women are accountable. And men are accountable to make an effort to learn.

Third, both men and women must be accountable to themselves to tell their partner of their needs--rather than to keep those needs bottled up inside and "hope" the other will somehow just know what they want. If you are not receiving what you need, you will not particularly “feel” like nurturing your partner.

Fourth, guys have to get their heads out of their rear end's and realize that it is okay to be loving and nurturing and still be masculine.

Fifth, gals…let me say this as plainly as I can. Guys don’t like games. Don’t wonder what he meant, for God’s sake, ask him! Most likely, he meant exactly what he said. Most likely, there was no hidden meaning in, “Honey, I’m exhausted.”

Sixth, enjoy each other; the differences, the similarities, and all that comes with being in a relationship.

Wishing you all the best, Ed Rigsbee

Getting What You Want from Others

2009-09-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

Relationship Bank Deposits: One of the important elements of successful relationships is the Relationship Bank Deposit. Interestingly enough, too many folks want to make withdrawals before they make deposits--this is not you, I hope. Following the age-old idea of giving first and receiving later (I know, instant gratification is today's standard for so many), allows you to bank some relationship points for a relationship rainy day. This idea is crucial because you know that there will be conflict some time down the road.

I have found it to be true in my relationship with my wife of 35 years, Regina, that when I give first (living in a glass house, I admit my imperfection here) she responds quite well.

Talking to the guys briefly; women are wired to nurture. As such they tend not to ask for what they need as much as they perhaps should. So your job is to preempt by doing things for them they would not normally expect of you--thereby making an unrestricted Relationship Bank Deposit.

Gals, your job is to not read anything into these acts of kindness; but to just enjoy. For women this is not always easy as they are quite used to the male/female quid pro quo; dinner for bedding.

Here is where this creates value for your life; just do nice things for others and it will come back to you. And do lots of nice things for the person with whom you enjoy a romantic relationship. Just do this and I guarantee your relationship will be even better.

Plan today for the weekend, Ed Rigsbee